stabbing shoulders

it has been a rather frequent affair- my shoulders hurt so much that by bedtime, the pain is so excruciating there is an intense urge to stab my joint with a knife. for years i’ve been thinking like that when i have such flares. somehow the pain of being stabbed seems less painful. the shoulders flare such that i can’t move. yet even being still, it feels like the joints have been pierced by something.

tenosynovitis? i honestly have no clue.

i, last night, have decided that i’ll see my rheumy once more. give her one last chance. and i’ll stick by my case that:

i don’t need to convince you with physical presentations of flares when i see you. i see you 4 days out of 365 days and i cannot ‘please’ you each time. if i verbally report it to you, take it and do something. you’ve never done anything for my shoulders despite how debilitating it can be. my sacroiliac joints too. how many years has it been??? and if you insist i am in remission, kindly explain to me why i still have flares, fatigue and morning stiffness. what is my DAS28 score? you took off ALL my meds and now i cannot take celecoxib because of lithium. i am essentially on NOTHING for RA, and you say a lot of my pain is psychosomatic??? please remember my RA came first long before depression, and i’ve seen you for a couple of years before that. i’m not sorry anymore that i’m a ‘failure’ as a RA patient. you need to understand my pain. and i take offense when you wrote in your referral that i self-medicated with prednisolone. WHY DO YOU THINK I DID THAT???

ok i’ll stop here. i could go on forever. but i see her on the 30th. we’ll see how it goes. my shoulders still hurt. now my wrist hurts too. i have ZERO anti-inflammatories.

sigh.

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