i saw my rheumy today ( if you need a refresher on what last transpired with her, here). what started like a probably good day, didn’t turn out so good after. i was in pain, i was nervous, i had so many things i wanted to accomplish inside the consultation room with her. i also remembered that i had an MRI to be done later that day and was afraid of having to lie flat on my back for 1.5 hours. i popped oxycodone and a metoclopramide while waiting to see her. despite all my angst and spitefulness to her since that post, i was in no mood to go into the consultation room to confront her, nor even put up a front and act like i’m all ok (the side she always sees).
or perhaps the oxycodone was also just making me a little wonky.
with her cheery “HARLO STEPHANIE! How are you?”, i looked down and whispered to her “hmm not too good?”. she tried getting some updates from me regarding treatment from Dr S, and then i told her about Dr C. we bounced back on forth about medications. She is adamant on Celebrex/Arcoxia. I said NO NO NO. Lithium and them will prolong my QT interval. Not fun. She’s not the only doctor who finds it hard to believe that sulindac is the only NSAID possible. She wants to check it out herself. She checks me out- my joints- and as usual i tell her “i’m all good today”, except that my nerve blocks are wearing off and i can feel my shoulders hurt again. I told her what she already knew- nerve blocks are not the way to go if there’s already inflammation- it’ll still be there and i could hurt my joints. she examined my shoulders closely and thinks it’s probably bursitis. and FINALLY in so many years, she offered to give me sub-acromial injections with triamcinolone bilaterally. i literally heaved with relief.
throughout our conversation, she kept asking me why i seem so down. she said that i’m “usually very BUBBLY” (her words, not mine), but i’m different today. i couldn’t give her an answer. i couldn’t even find the courage the tell her that i almost didn’t see her today because i would already have sacked her. but i told her that i was affected by her phone call and the whirlwind after that. she asked about my progress with recovery- i said i’m stretching appointments with Dr S to 3 weeks apart which is better now, but she said even 3 weeks is quite close together. -_-” she asked about my GI issues. i told her my emptying is still very slow, but at least i don’t vomit undigested food like a merlion anymore. isn’t it a duh. i take tramadol every damned day.
she tried guessing if all my painkillers are suppressing and affecting my affect. i said i didn’t think so. then she told me ONE saving grace- “you look like you’ve lost weight. have you not been eating? or have you been (purging)?” i didn’t know what to tell her. i was gleeful on the inside, but i contained myself and i said “erm i’ve not been eating much?” she reckoned it was from my pain. i think she really wanted to know why i was so down. but i gave her no clue. nope. nuh-uh.
she gave me ergocalciferol 50,000IU twice a week for 8 weeks to top up my outrageously low Vitamin D stores. other than that i was given NO medications at all from her. can you imagine my dismay? in the end i had to beg her for pregabalin because Dr S’ clinic sells it so expensive. and then i forgot about tramadol and Myonal(eperisone) or Anarex. aargh. she gave me a list of bloodwork to do, which i have no interest in doing.
and then later she gave me my sub-acromial injections. the nurses who didn’t know me (of course) wanted to baby me when rheumy was going to insert the needle into my shoulder. they wanted to hold me hands, and then rheumy told them “it’s ok, she’s ok with it”. they did it for both sides. i’m glad rheumy told them that, and i’m happy she knew me enough to know i have good threshold. i don’t like to be babied with procedures unless i indicate my fear.
so. amazing. she stretched my appointment even further later. 4 months. fantastique. i kept quiet. perhaps by that time i’d think i wouldn’t need a rheumatologist anymore.
defense mechanism was in play today, retrospectively.
why should i share so much of my life with someone when i know i do that to get approval and acceptance? i’ve been doing that for 7 years, and where has that taken me? nowhere. in fact, when i face rejection from her, it’s a double, or even a triple whammy. her acceptance is inherently so important to me that when she rejected the notion that i needed RA treatment (in terms of restarting DMARDs etc), and when she spoke of this “illusion” that i am clinically in remission when it is deeply rooted in me that i have never been in one, i felt so angry that i cried and wept. i thought she abandoned me. i thought her words were ‘vulgar’. i wanted to sack her. i felt like i was at the end of the line in my rheumatology treatment. that is how much i cling onto her emotionally and psychologically.
i wanted to tell her today in my cheerfulness that i was accepted into Keele University. i wanted to tell her i’m studying EULAR’s Rheumatology Course. i wanted to tell her the number of days i am in recovery, that i’m still keeping count.
but i didn’t. i kept my distance. what would be the difference if i told her of all these? nothing.
i guess i’m starting to detach from her. i didn’t do it on purpose. i really wanted to be happy in front of her, but… i couldn’t. not after what happened.
but you know, she is still kind and loving to me. she told me to weigh the costs out. that yes i have to spend on seeing doctors and paying for treatments and all. but i have to balance it out because after all i am still young. i still need some money for myself. and perhaps a little money to enjoy myself. she spoke like a mother (she’s one, just that her boys are not so big), and i nodded my head. i knew what she meant. but in my current state of physical and mental health, it just doesn’t allow me.
so what say you?
i look at my medication list again, and other than my sub-acromial injections, i’m not being treated for my RA.
YAAAAAAAAAAAY. i’m so fucking psyched i’m gonna jump off the building.