one of the most important things in my life is to heal. to heal others and to heal myself. and what happened in the last 2 weeks was about healing:

physical healing.

in the debacle (at least in my mind it was one) about my treatment for my RA and fibromyalgia, i lost patience with myself and with everyone. honestly, i didn’t think i’d be triggered just like that. it wasn’t instantaneous though, the realisation. it was this slow sinking feeling through the rest of the day that i was feeling when i jerked. i had hit the bottom. it was that insidious that day as a trigger, surely more insidious when coping by the years. i couldn’t heal. or at least i couldn’t even bluff myself into feeling that i am healed (in other words, pain-free and symptomless).

i understand RA and perhaps fibromyalgia. oh don’t we all. how do we barricade ourselves from attacks from ourselves? perhaps at some point the medications will stop the invasion by our own immune system on us, but all the time? no! i guess my disappointment at its best is when i am NOT treated for RA at all by my rheumy, and my fibromyalgia has been left to my anaesthetist and psychiatrist to handle. i have nothing against my passive-aggressive (which explains my seronegativity) immune system, nor do i have anything to quell inflammation that causes me so much pain.

simply put once and again, i am afraid. i am frightened by the prospect that my state of wellbeing (only talking about physical) is in a precarious and unpredictable position that i cannot control.

i was triggered and frightened back in July regarding this issue yes. but this time’s was too much to handle. i was so broken. and lost.

so i desperately found ways to heal. physically heal. like a wound that has to heal. like a bruise that has to dissipate. and i did. in the wrong way.

to heal is to restore health to an otherwise diseased state.

i have to live with it and understand that i have RA and fibromyalgia, and that it will never go away. i have a dilated left ventricle that might heal. i have a funny stomach that won’t empty. and my depression and bulimia are something i might recover from.

but i guess for now, for whatever reason that might trigger me, be it doctors, flares (symptoms etc), i just have to KEEP CALM.



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