an act of self-care

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i know and i understand, people around have been been asking me why why why? why is Steph leaving her job so quickly? it’s only been about 6 months??? my family understands, and for that i am grateful. but for the rest of you, i don’t owe you any explanations.

things are just the way it is. people tell me, “but it’s the same everywhere!!!”. yes, but do i not know? am i so nonchalant?

i have to appreciate the fact that i am not the healthiest that i can be, physically or psychologically. but while that is a fact, i have never used them as excuses to be anything less. i was squeezed dry to the rind till i was almost totally disintegrated.

i learnt late that it was known that my big boss didn’t like me and was making things difficult for me, and yet they continued to let it be, like i was a toy for him to play with till he was sick of it. had i not raised the white flag to pull myself out of his clutches and dire situation, he would’ve continued to subject me to his whims and fancies.

and now that i am with the other boss, my colleague is making things difficult for me. gossip is disgustingly rife, and it is honest to God, brutal. boss turned out fine, but my colleague? no? and with the recent spate of EVENTS, it’s like a nail in the coffin.

i am not growing with the company. my ideals of how a nurse should be does not match that of the company’s. i find myself nursing the doctors. i find that morale can be very low and nobody really gives a shit because the company is afterall, a money-making business. and i was disgusted when i found that the standard of nursing in the company was sub-par. i tried doing my part to up it, but did I only saw nodding heads and no actions.

my manager. what she says of me does not define me; it defines her instead. using harsh words knowing i have depression, saying “YOU HAVE NOT PUT IN ANY EFFORT YOU KNOW???”. and then also saying how utterly kind she has been not probing more into my condition. she thinks she has the right, but no. you can only know so much. too bad. please respect my privacy as much as i respect your “sex life” (yes i said this to her indeed).

i’m leaving because this company and this job, is not helping me to bloom. i am suddenly regressing, and it’s not good news. i am worried. Dr S is worried. what do we do to undo the mess this company has indirectly created?

it’s an act of self-care. it’s time to let go, and honestly, it does not hurt.

 

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