- unless you also have an incurable disease with a couple of diagnoses to go with it, i’ll appreciate it if you could keep your opinions to yourself tqvm. because you know what? you have no idea and if you do try, you’ll only seem utterly pathetic to me.
- you have no right to complain to me when you haven’t been chronically ill since young. your 5 days, 2 weeks or 3 months, is nothing compared to more than 2 decades. i will empathise and help as best as i can, but don’t deliberately elicit sympathy from me. you’re not my boyfriend?
- you have no right to tell me to take “less medications” because it’s expensive and damaging to my organs. i take what i NEED to take, with doctor’s advice. and traditional chinese medicine is not for me. yes i know it’s saved my life once, but it does not mean it’ll make everything go away. it’ll give me transaminitis you understand?
- you cannot ignore or discount me when i tell you something bad has happened to my health. it takes me a lot of courage to share it with you after years of hiding red flags and crises. it’s not your right to know. it’s a privilege.
- you do not get to be embarrassed about my scars. period.
- you do not need to give me your imaginary medical expertise as to why i am diagnosed with this or that or why i am feeling the way i do. when you do so, everything that comes out of your mouth is trash.
- you cannot and should not patronise me. if you do, you incur my wrath, which is basically the story of my life right now. be sincere.
- lastly, with the reference to the previous, please get through with your act at least if you want to show your concern, or that you’re making an effort to care. don’t make it a half-hearted attempt. it’s utterly disrespectful and disgusting.
i got triggered by mum again. her remark was so reminiscent of the remark she first made back in 2007 about me being a “waste of my money” (which by the way has been denied to death by her). that was the remark that truly marked the descent of the parents-Steph relationship. i’m ashamed to admit that my finances are very bad. i owe debts to hospitals for my visits to my psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychologist, rheumatologist, cardiologist, gastroenterologist, all in this year. i pay it back bit by bit, but i still run negative. if it helps, my medications at the latest status, now cost about $1000 a month. that excludes my consultations, injections when i need them, blood tests etc. as much as i want to be self-sufficient, i have to grit my teeth and ask my parents for help. their burden is high, mine is too. can you imagine, i see my psychiatrist at least once a month, and seeing him can cost $200-$300. if i add my meds to that, it goes up to about $1300 because $1000 of drugs is without the tax yet. i bring home only $1600+. that leaves me very little to actually even use.
so the latest thing to bug me is that we’re worried lithium might have caused something. we don’t know what yet. but i have a symptom persisting for 3 months. (i had to emphasize this to my mum because she thinks i’m doctor-seeking aargh.) so i saw a nephrologist with mum as lithium can be nephrotoxic. but i left her outside the room as usual. this is my ground rule unless i permit (refer to first 3 sentences of prose). did tests as usual. arranged it such that my follow-up to review the test results will be before seeing my psychiatrist. i told her and reminded her last Friday because i know it’ll involve money. she was ok with it.
today, she knew i went to submit my stupid bottle of nearly 3 litres of pee, and had bloods done as well. yet when i gently reminded her that we’re going out tomorrow for my appointments, she vehemently denied knowing it at all. and when i finally got it across to her that i need to get my results, she retorted (in a very annoyed manner as well):
“HUH?! THEN NEED TO SPEND HOW MUCH AGAIN???”
i stopped talking to her. watched the telly and stayed silent. i wanted to cry. i want to have freedom over my finances too, and i’m waiting for my last pay check to come. i need her to be there when i go to see my psychiatrist. the bill could fluctuate because the numbers go up as the time ticks by. the most absurd? the last time i went, i paid $900+ straight after banking in my cheque because a medical report costs $450. awhile later, i mumbled to myself that i’ll change my psychiatrist’s appointment, but she couldn’t hear me properly. i couldn’t be bothered to repeat myself.
so yeah. i pretty much went on silent since that one single remark. call me petty, sensitive, self-entitled, whatever.
how fucking powerful words are, huh.
tomorrow, at most withdraw whatever pitiful sum i have left of my Credit Line lor. if not she’ll sulk the whole time we’re out.