in a rheumy-fulfiling prophecy in which i am in a clinical remission, i have refused to acknowledge openly that i’ve been having more good days now than ever since my RA worsened severely in 2005. i don’t know why i haven’t spoken about it as openly as i usually do. maybe i’m afraid i’ll jinx it and lose it, and losing it is very real for me. many times when i am near remission, it gets ruined by something- medication side effects, falling ‘sick’, and my body just failing on me.
so yes, i have been in a remission-like state for several months, and although it is a relief, it feels odd without the pain my inflamed joints give. i have now officially jinxed myself.
but anyway, i’ve been feeling small flares here and there in the last 1-2 weeks. the fear of the remission going up in smokes is very real. and it’s terrifying. i can’t tell you how much i am scared of it. and the thing is, i still feel the RA flares despite oxycodone. sigh. it is that bad.
waking up everyday not knowing how much pain will come knocking on my door makes me… sad.