and…! i still can’t cope

in a rheumy-fulfiling prophecy in which i am in a clinical remission, i have refused to acknowledge openly that i’ve been having more good days now than ever since my RA worsened severely in 2005. i don’t know why i haven’t spoken about it as openly as i usually do. maybe i’m afraid i’ll jinx it and lose it, and losing it is very real for me. many times when i am near remission, it gets ruined by something- medication side effects, falling ‘sick’, and my body just failing on me.

so yes, i have been in a remission-like state for several months, and although it is a relief, it feels odd without the pain my inflamed joints give. i have now officially jinxed myself.

but anyway, i’ve been feeling small flares here and there in the last 1-2 weeks. the fear of the remission going up in smokes is very real. and it’s terrifying. i can’t tell you how much i am scared of it. and the thing is, i still feel the RA flares despite oxycodone. sigh. it is that bad.

waking up everyday not knowing how much pain will come knocking on my door makes me… sad.



3 thoughts on “and…! i still can’t cope

  1. I hear you on the fear, I call it being scared in my my own skin! Awful…then I also try to live this way ‘I can’t stress about what hasn’t happened yet or I’m not living!’ Easier said than done, but it helps to keep saying it, eventually you start to live it. ;~) Work in progress. MysticalLunaRose.

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