i thought they were nagging at me, even though they had my best interests. i always filtered what i didn’t want or like to hear. but sometimes, if they were dogged enough, their words were kept neatly at the back of my mind. perhaps my subconsciously, i was saving it for when i was ready for cold, hard truths. after my wounds and emotions weren’t so raw. and after i’m ready to face my past- what happened and how i had reacted. i’ve tried visiting it everytime these loving people ‘remind’ me of not what could have been, but how to rise above defeat (or perceived defeat actually).
it’s been about 4.5 years since acetylcysteine dripped into my veins. depression and bulimia, they said. but if i hadn’t poisoned myself, it would’ve gone on and on. the “abuse” from some people in what was a heck of a deal to me. they took it away from me, told me when the antidote was still dripped in my veins. i’ve cried the most in my life in the past 4.5 years. i made my friends into strangers because the pain was too much to bear. i delayed my studies, and then sabotaged a potentially promising career because i kept going into the hospital. 2 perpetrators became many as more and people made ‘scathing’ remarks as i fought my battles. i have thousands of scars to show for all of these, something i’m not proud of.
and till this day i remain bitter, unable to let go of the deadweight.
i retrieved a file from the back of my head, even during this period when i think i’m never gonna rebuild my career like i should have. this file said that i had not lost- i never quite lost anything nor did i lose the real competition. the competition wasn’t even in the curriculum. it was a bonus, an add-on. and therefore when i lost it, i just went back to status quo. does it make sense?
i only see the light in those words of wisdom now. it’s been a little long, but never too late. i hope there isn’t a backlash, that i won’t start to regret that i should have realised it earlier, and save myself from so much mental torment and physical wounds. in the mind of a depressed, it can definitely happen.
because of the loss i grieved very hard and for a long time, although some would beg to differ because such a loss wouldn’t seem ‘legit’. my treatment team might agree that i am still grieving. now i think it’s time to let that ‘nagging’ which i abhorred so much turn into love, and let love’s arms pull me into a long overdue embrace.
merde (in ballerinas’ lingo of course).