i don’t need a rheumatologist

i defaulted on my rheumy for the very first time. i wanted to go, but i fought very hard in mind making a decision. waking up this morning for the appointment, i deliberated once more before i got myself ready to go out. against all ordinary pushing factors that made me see her since i got disillusioned with my treatment, i went back to bed. after that, i had to fight to not change my mind.

although i’ve actually struggled with her treatment and disillusionment since 2010 (thereabouts), she really tipped me over last July when she firstly, felt that much of my pain was psychosomatic and attributed it much to my co-existing mental illnesses. 2ndly, she slapped it in my face that i was actually was in clinical remission when she had to stop my NSAIDs and DMARDs due to gastrointestinal problems.

then, i did myself a disservice when i brought myself back to her in a routine appointment end of September (which was my last one). she refused to start me back on my DMARDs, citing that i am STILL in clinical remission and there was no reason to. and then she said a few other things that triggered me. quoted from my other blog:

and when you don’t treat what you should treat, you trigger off a lot more emotions and anger than when you do. you don’t know that YOU trigger me.

i did not say this here, but my inability to physically heal distressed me so much. something very bad happened after that last appointment, that had anyone in the psychiatric institution found out about it then, i would be locked up right away. so the thought of history repeating again, when i know i cannot afford to, scares me.

i know i just don’t want to hear the things i don’t like, and then slap myself when i finally do hear them.

so i stayed home. the only thing that consoled me was the fact that i still have an anaesthetist to turn to. i will probably not see her anymore. i don’t need a rheumatologist anymore (although i do know better), right???

 

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2 thoughts on “i don’t need a rheumatologist

    • i agree with you. but what i want from her, she cannot give. it makes it worst for both of us when i have depression, bulimia and BPD too. everything just rubs off the wrong way. and it’s sad. i love her so much.

      thanks anyway Nessa! xoxo

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