i went for my first session of occupational therapy (OT) for pain management, as suggested by my anaesthetist. i saw him mid-December, and it’s funny how i remembered that i was supposed to be taught how to manage my fatigue, NOT PAIN. i had only agreed because i thought it was for fatigue. so imagine my surprise when i pulled out the order form last night to prepare my bag for today.
i was disappointed with the session, because aspects of pain management are known to me. it was basically just coming from the OT’s mouth. in the end it become more of me telling her the techniques to let her know that i know. of course she made suggestions, like how i should stretch more and start slowly on exercising. she also touched on pacing, something a little similar to managing my spoons.
BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE TAUGHT HOW TO MANAGE MY PAIN!!! I WANT TO BE TAUGHT HOW TO MANAGE MY FATIGUE!!!
one thing though… i really struggled today. i was reminded of my ‘weakness’, and how human i was. that i had to be taught how to manage pain and essentially my life. i have an incredible threshold for pain, but you know what? why does that matter if i cannot accept pain as part of my daily life for the rest of my living days? i was looking to others, as i have had with my psychiatrist, therapists, even today’s OT, to teach me how i can accept pain, and leave behind my grieving over it. but alas, no one can tell me how.
i guess no one would know how- only i can do it for myself.
i can’t tell if going for OT today was a waste of my time, although i know i should let others help me to help myself. sigh.
i just want to sleep.