all in all- stigma and not

i finally finished all 4 job interviews today. i got really sick of filling up forms, explaining myself and also having to go through the whole interviewing process. but i applied for 4 to give myself the best chance. unfortunately, it had to end with a terrible interview today.

i was incensed as i stomped out of the interviewing room. i told myself that i’m rejecting this employer first, before they can even reject me. basically, this employer (it’s a heart centre) is in the same cluster as the hospital that rejected me presumably because of my depression- the one before these 4 interviews. i thought being cardiac-trained, i would have an edge. but when i went in.

they grilled me. fine by me. it’s their job to. then when they got to asking about my depression, i was nervous because of how aggressive they were. but guess what. that was not seemingly a problem as it ordinarily would have been!!! so what was the other thing?


despite my reassurances that i’m in a ‘remission’, not on medications and fully functional, they were not convinced. they asked me if i had problems working functionally when i was previously in the ward. i said no. i had no problems. i could even do code blues. perform CPR. i said that even if my joints were painful, i’d still do the code blue and CPR. i have never found excuses. of course i have to be honest and said it’s the aftermath where flares come on. the deputy director smirked and said “oh then that’s A PROBLEM because we have MANY CODE BLUES. we have VERY HIGH ACUITY. yeah THAT’S GOING TO BE A BIG PROBLEM.”

so try as i might to explain to say that i CAN DO code blues and CPRs, i don’t find excuses, my previous hospital has provided me with a very good training ground to hone my skills, i decided not to waste my time. they were not going to hire me. i could literally see it in their eyes. so yup. walked away, never turning back. if they offer me a place, i will turn them down. it’s a small organisation, and if i could be so assuming, i’d be pretty damned to work there.

it’s not that i’m being judgmental of all employers (or people) to be stigmatizing. but sometimes, with choice of words, use of tone and facial expressions , it’s easy to tell when you are less than their ideal.

i have faced such people many times. i have always been by default, damaged. i had to always convince people that i am not my diagnosis. it’s always that. RA was actually easier to overcome because it was physical. then when depression came, it was overwhelming for me because to dawned upon me, who on earth would believe me??? it is my biggest obstacle till date.

so when i unexpectedly got faced with such doubt because of RA, plus so much disrespect for something i take so much pride and seriousness in, i totally lost my cool.

i’m thankful i had a dinner date with my best friend and ex-lecturer-turned-friend. when i narrated to him what happened, about the “high acuity” and the “many code blues”, he told me it is so because their cardiologists are so lousy that their patients always deteriorate! haha. it made me laugh and cheered me up. i could see it that way. it was never that way in my previous workplace. so yeah. indeed heartening.

anyway, i have to give credit to 2 other hospitals, who appreciated my past as they interviewed me. they were empathic as they asked about my conditions, and one even said it wasn’t easy for me to do so well in nursing school despite depression and RA. they gave me some hope in humanity, and they made me smile as i left the interviews. 🙂

so now that interviews are over, i’ll be waiting for calls for offers or rejections. i’ve also submitted my application for a scholarship to study nursing in Keele, since i can’t afford it. so i’ll be waiting for that interview call too.

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