c’mon, give us a break

“don’t be so negative”, said my anaesthetist today.

i hear passing remarks of such or of similar kind frequently. how do i react? now, i do get a little peeved, but i don’t even fight back. whatever for? people who make such comments/remarks are ignorant enough to not know how much i am trying, even though they are, or they claim to be helping me. family, friends, doctors, healthcare professionals.

i used to get really angry, and i’d fight back and argue with my point of view. i used to feel aggrieved. i’d go “but you don’t even know how i feel/ what i do! how can you say that?” but my disillusionment of this world and society, of reality and people, has mellowed me. it is totally futile. people are inherently self-absorbed. who cares if you tried? it’s goes abit like, i’ve given you my piece of advice. done and dusted.

try harder. work harder. don’t give up. why do you give up so easily. do something. do more. do even more. take responsibility. be responsible. can i trust you. not good enough. not tough enough. you need to help yourself.

and many more that i cannot fathom right now.

i’m an adult. i’ve lived with a chronic illness for most of my life. i also have the misfortune of mental illnesses for almost 5 years now. i was a student and now a working adult. i never got an “exemption pass” or a “go to” pass just for being sick. i lived my life like every single one of you, excuse me. i went to class through flares and fatigue. i worked 12 weeks straight in the wards despite depression just to graduate and scored 95% mind you. and i did so on dean’s list. so pardon me, but no i’m not sorry, if i take offense, when any of you make such passing remarks to me or to people who are struggling similarly to me.

oh right. you could say “it’s just a passing remark, you don’t have to take to heart!”. but you have a brain right? use it! unless you tell me you don’t have one. haven’t you learnt that if you do not know what to say, don’t say anything at all? shut your gap if you can help it.

i’m not stupid. i know what to do with my illnesses. my treatment team may not agree with what i choose. but ultimately i pay for my treatment, i see that sometimes treatment does not bear fruits, i do get tired after so many years and i need a break. i get cranky. frustrated. tired. because this is not some GP visit. sometimes things go so slow. meds have to be restarted after half a year because of transaminitis. meds started take 3 months to take effect. nothing is a quick thing. there is polypharmacy that all my doctors are silently pissed at me about me. it’s not even my fucking fault. it’s difficult. and even i have difficulty navigating through it all. so gimme a break will you? stop the nonsense.

and i am really just human, trying really hard to cling on despite the burden of fatigue, futility and disillusionment. why can’t they privileged people (aka doctors) see that?

i see a chauvinistic and probably even a misogynist psychiatrist tomorrow. he’s brilliant, but i’ve fought with him many a time before. let’s see if he breaks me, or if i break him. but i just hope it’ll be all amicable.

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