driving me crazy

i’m tired of fighting, or trying not to fight, with either one of you.

both of you are my parents. we love each other. we express it differently. but can you please, i beg you, spare me. don’t tell me things like “why are you so sleepy?, “don’t sleep so late”, “why do you wake up so late?”, “don’t rely on sleeping pills”. like the fuck? are you listening to yourself? shit is coming from your mouth. i am tired because of my RA+fibromyalgia+depression, which i have tried to explain to you, but you have refused to listen somehow, or have been in denial. i don’t like my sleeping pills, but like i also explained to you, when i don’t get enough sleep, my mood gets worse, my body hurts more etc. so please don’t be the fucking monster you were, the antagonist, when i was just 15. you seem to be the same after 10 long years. oh and of course you don’t know. i’ve not been taking my sleeping pills for more than a month. you wouldn’t know that would you?

and you know i am a feminist, bordering on a misandrist. dad, could you please not be such a male chauvinist and make related remarks to me? you made mum stay at home for health reasons almost 6 years ago, after she was earning the most income for 2 decades or so. you started becoming the sole breadwinner, and that makes you the MAN? or hell no. you are not the man when you deny that your daughter is sick. you are not the man when you deny that your daughter is incurable. and you are definitely not the man when you make your daughter feel like the littlest person in the world by telling me you could recover from anxiety disorder yourself. that’s insinuating, why can’t i recover myself then?

it’s not inspirational for fuck’s sake. it’s called rubbing in your face. it’s insinuation that “i could so why couldn’t you”, and “why are you still like that?”. and for the record, till this date, dad still thinks i can be cured from RA. NO DAD. NO.

so yeah. the last time i checked dad, you are anatomically a man. but not so much the man you think you are. so STOP IT.

i shouted at you to say that in the past, you resented me for not saying anything. and now that i am saying more, i get rained upon more. i’m dampened either way, it’s too fucked up.

brother’s home. and with more testosterone and a figure I have resented for more than half my life, i am definitely cranky.

the whole family thinks i’m gonna spoil Chinese New Year. i think they’re driving me crazy.


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