I’ve been at work for 2 weeks, and it’s only been 2 weeks. I’m tired. So very tired.
I don’t really mean it in a physical way- of course I get bogged down by my aches, pains and flares. But that is really nothing compared to the challenges I face emotionally and mentally.
I’m an experienced registered nurse, although the true extent, no one really knows. People, even myself, have to find it out themselves. Like the usual rite of passage, I am doing the job of an assistant nurse first to understand and get used to the ground work. Nothing unusual. But when they threw me in the deep blue sea, I knew I was going to struggle.
There was little guidance, and most times I was left to figure things out myself. I learnt things the hard way- asking and then getting scolded, or making mistakes and being berated. The learning curve of what was not my job scope was steep, and colleagues were sometimes unkind. When I helped with procedures per say, which would take up 30-45 minutes at least, I only asked ONE question about the finishing bandaging, and bam! I got rained upon. Sigh.
Of course I have colleagues who are kind and teach me freely. They trust me with procedures which I should know but by “protocol” should be supervised. They let me assist in procedures. They listen to my opinions of my nursing assessment of a patient and initiate proper interventions.
I won’t speak about personalities of colleagues, because there’s just too much that irk me. But what gets my goat really is that when you’re at work, be professional. If you’re working in a pair, don’t completely forget (and abandon/strand) about your colleague. If you like being as asshole, but I talk to you and treat you with respect, I expect reciprocal respect as well.
Everyday at work, I find myself slumped, tired and frustrated. People will disappoint yes. That has always been true. But I wished people wouldn’t stop me from being a good nurse. Maybe I’m being slighted- incompetent, too much a threat. I don’t know!
All I know is that I come to work everyday, wanting to care for my patients, and instead I deal with shit from colleagues. I hold onto my calling dearly, and let the love for and from my patients sustain me. But sometimes it’s really not enough.
I pray to the Lord to help me with these struggles which seem so insignificant compared to God’s great love and the extensive work He does. I prayed over Palm Sunday in church till I wept, because I care too much about nursing which God called me to do.
But you know today, it got so bad, I just wanted to SCREAM.
Sigh. It’s the Holy Week. By the way, I started a blog to chronicle my journey since I returned home to God after the Treasure retreat. I’ll share it soon.
In the name of Jesus Christ, who was never in a hurry, we pray, O God, that You will slow us down , for we know that we live too fast.