broken i will be no longer

the truth is, picking up the broken pieces after laying broken, can be many things all at once.

when i was broken, i was shattered into smithereens. i stayed the same for 5 years, although there were certain times when my treatment team observed that it seemed promising that i was going to start to piece myself together.

looking back, 5 years is a really long time.

when i got the ‘divine’ kick in the butt just about 1.5 to 2 months ago, it was one to get my act together. i suddenly had the  drive to do the things i ordinarily wouldn’t have done. i wanted to do do marathons to raise funds- funds for a cause like arthritis. i hated running, i hated exercising. what was i thinking??? but at that point, and even till now, i am still thinking of running a half-marathon. and then suddenly i saw something online about stand-up paddling (SUP), which was how i kickstarted my love my SUP-ing. i even bought my own paddle after my first class. i loved it that much! again, i hated the sun, i hated to tan, i hated to exercise. so what was i thinking???

after that, i signed up for the Treasure retreat (it’s a Catholic retreat; check out the tags!), and it’s by no chance i got a place. the retreat changed my life spiritually in just 4 days. and till this day, i continue to hold on to my faith and onto God.

right after the retreat, 2 days in fact, i started my new job. this is not new in a sense that i had already signed my contract. but the week before, i had chose to start on this particular day.

why i say that picking up the broken pieces can be many things at once, is because it evokes many emotions that it can be overwhelming. it gets exhilarating at times, knowing i am picking up the pieces so fast to make up for lost time. then sometimes i feel so tired and/or out of control and i just want to sit in the corner and not do anything. other times i get a little downtrodden, and so i drag my feet. the worst one has to be wanting to go back to old behaviours- dysfunctional behaviours- when i am met with difficulties. it’s devilish, the most tempting, and also the easiest way out. so… too many things at once?

this insight comes as deadlines for marathon registrations are nearing. do i push myself and go for it? (i have yet to even put on my running shoes, and the half marathon is in the first week of July.) or is it good enough for me to know that i have embarked on SUP at the very least, and i’m paddling 2km at least each time in the sea.

whatever it is, i know i’m picking my pieces together, bit by bit. i know i will never be whole again- bits of me have been lost since i was broken. the process of picking myself up and the pieces is very new to me, and while i celebrate a new life, i constantly have to remind myself that this is a life i have to work for.

in the meantime, i will love the seas and the paddling. i will love Lord my God. i will be the good ol’ nurse i am.

and broken i will be no longer,


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