invaded

i felt a hand on my butt today, while myself and 2 other colleagues transferred a hemiplegic patient from the chair to the bed. it was a big hand belonging to a patient in his 30-40s, in its entirety, on my whole buttcheek. and while i was not groped, the feeling of having a hand other than my own on my ass is greatly distressing.

i am a person who values my own personal space. although i like hugs and arms over shoulders with people whom i love, any other physical contact make me cringe, let alone with strangers. sometimes, i can’t even tolerate inanimate objects belonging to others touching me.

so when my patient’s hand came in contact with my butt, i gave a loud cry in my heart while i could only let my eyes widen. i had to be professional. moreover, i couldn’t be sure if it was deliberate. in patients like him, we tend to give them the benefit of doubt. it might be the hand on the paralysed side. or it might be accidental. i confided in my colleague. we agreed that we will share and quietly amongst our colleagues, that if it happens to anyone else again, it will be reported.

i try to find excuses for my patient to write off the explosion of feelings that was in me that i could not terminate. but no matter how i try to kind and forgiving, i cannot forget what he had left on my right buttcheek. it is not something visual. it is something so palpable, it can literally be felt.

oh dear Lord, forgive me when i say that i just cannot find it in me to say that he did it accidentally. for his hand on me was not just for a second. it was for more than that, and longer than necessary for something accidental.

sigh. i don’t know how i’ll survive working till my next off day on Friday. i have therapy tomorrow, and i’m seeing my social worker, J, on Friday as well. maybe seeing them and talking to them will help.

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