i know my blog has been really boring. it used to be more interesting, if it was even, in the first place.
since wanting to leave nursing, my reaction to my own decision about it has been lukewarm. God has spoken to me in a way that i cannot ignore, and that is through my current work as a nurse. it’s like a booming voice that tells me to stay. yet i do not know if it’s mere coincidence. it’s only but a week or two. it’s mentally a struggle that i sometimes switch off just so that i can properly function at work, and also have some rest at home. because of that and thus the lesser time i’ve spent thinking about it, i need even more time now.
i am really fighting with my body against fatigue. for now it’s not a problem in that i will not fall asleep at work because of the nature of my work (actively moving around and thinking), although i do feel tired while working. once i get out of the hospital, i literally feel my body starting to crash. when i get home, i nap if i can. sometimes, i take a long nap, wake up for half an hour, and then spend the rest of the night on the sofa because i’m too tired to move to my bed. then there are times when i’m so bushed but i can’t even take a nap nor fall asleep with benzodiazepines.
i am beginning to think that the fatigue is past RA and fibromyalgia and i am glad i have seen a neurologist and am waiting to do a sleep study. i’ve been falling asleep while eating again and sigh i really hate it. so actually i’m even thinking that the sleep study is a little too far since i’ve already waited so long. it’s end of this month, and i might need to reschedule because my ward sister didn’t grant me the proper shifts to do it. sigh.
i’ve had headaches for months already but i always thought it wouldn’t be an issue. now, it seems to be as more painkillers don’t seem to quell it. i used to just use plain paracetamol and it’ll be fine. now i have to take tramadol on top of the regular 50mg of tramadol, and still it doesn’t work. since i last saw my anaesthetist, i’ve been taking my breakthrough dose of 150mg rather frequently, and honestly it is sometimes hard to keep count of how much tramadol i am taking a day. all these because of? headaches.
things seem to be rather out of control now. equilibrium is never something i am able to strive for- it always seems so out of reach i daren’t even dream of it. i just want the pain to go away, and to finally feel rested you know. the pain, whatever pain it is, has been for years. the tiredness and the insomnia, going into 2 years. i don’t pray that i discern quickly, because that takes time. half a year to one. more even. but the rest, i pray for some respite.