abiding in God

i’m at home now.

it’s Thursday today and i’ve actually spent 3 nights in a place i swore i’ll never step back in.

part of surrendering to God is knowing when i need help, and knowing how to be kind to myself. it may not be something i like, and in fact it may be something i detest. but i guess it’s my way of abiding in God’s love this time, where there seemed no place else physical to seek reprieve in.

before i set my heart on going to the hospital, i knew i had to consider several things. i know there will be a silent outcry at work; at my sudden disappearance on the day of internal audit, and silently being admitted for something i did not reported to the ward managers. then, i also know my parents will be displeased at the “why again?” despite 1.5 years out of the psychiatric hospital.

i secretly think i’ve let myself down. but for all the tears i’ve shed, and all that i’ve tried to scrub because i felt so dirty, i found the clarity of mind to tell myself to say that i needed an immediate time out. i needed to stay safe, and needed time to be with God.  so bravely i packed my bags once again and left for the hospital with my parents, insisting to be dropped off at the Emergency Department so that i could be alone.

in the 3 days and 3 nights that i was in the psychiatric ward, i’ve left too big a portion of myself to be angry and frustrated. i forgot again what it’s like to be incarcerated (although this isn’t really an incarceration) and to lose control. much of my anger and frustration was directed at the multidisciplinary team, especially the psychiatric consultant, whom i have lost all respect for, and will be writing in a complaint about.

i brought in 2 Christian books to read, a (Catholic) guide to Healing, a diary to write in, my Bible, my praying Cross, my Rosary (which they confiscated) and of course stationary. very much different from what it used to be in the past. i was glad though, for i found a lot of peace with them. following what C had asked me to do, i wrote to God, uninhibitedly. on my first day spent there, i wrote for pages and pages, often accompanied with tears that other patients would ask me why i was crying. all the questions i had for God, i wrote it all down in my diary. on my 2nd day, writing became much easier. and then on the 3rd day, there was barely even any time to write. reading the Christian book titled Made To Count, which also talks following a person’s calling/vocation, there were many references to “callings” (which i took to as my nursing job), and also about vocations (something i’m discerning about and considering), it led me to many Scriptures that i found immensely helpful.

this difficult period, one which i decided to spend in the psychiatric hospital seeking God alone, was one i never had before. and i have no words for it. i don’t know how is it that i could feel better “so quickly”, but God works His ways. i keep reading about how i should abide in God and in God’s love, and how God will abide in me. is this how it works?

i’ve gotten my magnolia tattoo for my triumph over my blades. it’s on my left shoulder.

and i’ll be resting a bit more before i return to work. i have to see my social worker tomorrow, and my psychiatrist again on Tuesday (although i saw him right after discharge). there is a one-day retreat called The Gift of Caring which i am so blessed to be able to attend because my manager gave me an off day to attend it. so i’ll be back to work right after. i’m praying i’ll be ok after, no matter how long or short i intend to stay on in nursing till i know what my direction is.

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