not just flares

i have been back at work for 2 days already. i was on hospitalisation leave for 8 days, and i had a coincidental off day right after. so it was 9 days away from work, having to rest from the nightmare i had suffered at work.

in the 2 days that i am back, i very quickly knew my body is bearing the brunt of me being stressed and stretched. yesterday, i had slight flares towards finishing my shift. today, i had several joints flaring, with my hip on fire. having to go out, i popped tramadol 150mg and celecoxib 200mg. when i decided i was still in too much pain and i need my oxycodone, i was already waiting for the bus, and there was none in my bag.

when i have such escalations of flares, i become very angry and bitter rather quickly. of course i am upset at the same time. till today, i don’t know why i still react this way even though this has been the way my entire life. i understand it has to do with the loss of control. but i wish i could react to these escalations in a softer and kinder manner to myself. because when i react by being angry and bitter especially, i fall and tumble very quickly and i hit the ground hard. with being upset, i beat myself up for being ‘sick’ with RA, even though on good days i’m relatively on terms with having RA now.

yes all these can be very humbling, and it is good to have these once in a while to be grounded. but surely this is not the way to go right Steph? what if your escalations become more common, seeing that you are getting more stressed and worn out? your mood will just go down down down into the pits and then that’ll will see you getting into some trouble too.

times like this, i wish i have some prednisolone on hand to terminate the flare. today, when the hip started to burn, sitting and standing both hurt, and so did walking. i was so miserable and helpless at the same time. and then i wonder where are all the doses of methotrexate that my body has accumulated. i think i need at least a few more weeks to feel a difference in the disease activity.

having a fibromyalgia-like flare on my thighs that are quite unexplainable and peculiar as well.

work will only be more challenging as i hold on till my last day. i have already decided as to when i should tender my resignation. the stress will pile up. the fatigue and insomnia will not go away. the pain is very draining. and i’m still trying to cope with the aftermath of the nightmare (the acute phase is over since i left the hospital), and my psychiatrist and i think that it will take long to get over it.

le sigh.

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