lived and loved

i guess now that it is unofficially over, like really over, i feel all kinds of emotions. i didn’t think a source of such great joy could become so painful, physically and mentally.

i guess i could say that since i’ve gotten squarish piece of paper, i’ve held my breath so hard till my face has turned so blue- my future was balancing so precariously. i fought so hard i almost lost my mind; through tears and anger, with gentle acceptance and then disillusionment that hardens a heart… it’s a kind of liberation i never thought i’d feel. the deadweight i’ve been carrying, this squarish piece of paper called our nursing license… i will put it down and not want to have to touch it again. until I know for sure that this precious thing can be featherlight once more…  i can breathe again i guess. no more heart stops.

and i guess it’s a sigh of relief for me. it’s been such a prolonged torture of since i’ve been down in 2010, of mostly rock-bottoms and a few short-lived highs that those who love me have been asking me to leave nursing. all i’ve ever said is that it’s my calling, and i’ll not do anything else. it’s a push come to shove thing. it has put my life into perspective for me. the last 5 years of nursing (the last of nursing school and then being a registered nurse), a whooping 2.5 years were spent inpatient. it speaks volumes of how sad and sick i am/was. and continuing it will not make it any better. in fact this job i’ve just left, had me in the hospital suddenly after 500+ days out, just because an incident was poorly handled. people can say whatever they want of me.

but for my dear friends who know how much i’ve gone through, how much i’ve fought through these years, and how much i love nursing. i’ve done everything in my best capacity as nurse. i loved as much as i could, to my patients, and i hoped that with it came healing. i hope it is enough for now. i daren’t even ask that it should be more than enough. how can i? with it all the expectations i have for myself, the ones i thought others had of me, can burn now. everything i hold myself up to- all the knowledge that i needed to know plus CNEs and EBNs… all these have been so burdensome, that even my fiery passion cannot make it any lighter. i can put it all down now.

yet it pains me greatly. that i am choosing not to serve my Lord out of my selfish want of happiness. that i am not doing what God had created me to do best, that is purely for the cause of my patients. and it is just because workplace colleagues and supervisors are always pricks, and workflows and SOPs are always so messed up. that these added up together just undermines a person’s values, morale and dignity. for years i’ve trudged forward knowing that i am serving my Lord right from when i heard my calling. putting this down is not so much a difficulty for myself personally, as it is for me spiritually.

(i’ve decided that should i ever work part-time while i am studying, damned i’m throwing the license out of the window. it gives me a higher pay no doubt, but the weight on my shoulders isn’t worth it. nuh-uh.)

i’ve lived and i’ve loved. what more can i ask for?

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2 thoughts on “lived and loved

  1. This post is beautiful – full of accepting and moving on. I’m proud of you. Live happy and although I am not religious (anymore), I believe God will understand.

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