i’m angry.

what makes people think that they capable of judging and deciding if i am strong enough, psychologically or spiritually? and why does this happen again and again? i realised that these people are the ones who know my battles (especially with depression). i don’t care if they are friends, or if they aren’t. one should never use a person’s weakness against her. it’s absolutely degrading and dehumanising. it’s another story though, if the person is my doctor, my therapist, or someone who has journeyed with me for years.

what do you know of me? you know my name. you know i’m a Catholic. you know i’m a nurse. you barely know the names of some of the battles i fight. that’s all. and on that basis you could tell me that i shouldn’t do something? you don’t know me. you don’t know my story. you don’t know my real battles. you don’t know what these scars are- what they all stand for. to you perhaps i am someone who shouldn’t dream, that i should grow roots at where i am, because you think that’s all i’m capable of. i know you and some others think so lowly of me. because i am that damaged.

so here i am listening to my psychiatrist say that i’ve improved by leaps and bounds, and there with people of the same faith i’m told i’m not there yet? don’t bullshit with me. is sanity more important? or faith? one needs both. but you cannot deny the former is definitely more important. without it faith is hard to sustain.

i’m tired of people who try to rain on me when i have rare sunshine. of people who tell me no when i’m just going for my dreams. of people who see me as less because i decidedly choose to be open with my depression.

but really, it speaks volumes of who they are, not what i am. i am not silly to heed their words. it’d be more prudent to heed the words of those who know me for longer and better, those who know my battles and my wounds, those who know how my heart beats and skips. and of course there is the Lord my God.

i can’t believe a night of praise and worship was spoilt just like that.


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