a fork in the road

time is running out.

it’s odd how i was so sure that i am headed for studies after leaving nursing, only to be interrupted by this outrageous thought that i should still chase after the call to serve in mission work (this call is not new, you know). suddenly the 1.5 months of free time i thought i had was no longer. it became a period of surrendering, and then also falling, in my desperate bid to discern what is to be. i want to do God’s will and nothing else. yet i am conflicted- there are push and pull factors for both paths. and i am only too human in trying to make the decision, that i halt in my tracks and wonder if i’m listening to my selfish wants, or the will of God.

having failed miserably previously in sourcing for missions in which i could serve, God blessed me this time with 2 missions. i have met and talked with them and there are opportunities to serve. the ways in i could give are aplenty- mostly with what i am blessed as a nurse. but i ask myself if i am able to give. to keep giving and not want. to keep giving and not receive. however most importantly, i have to face my reality and ask myself- can i ensure that i do not regress psychologically? and also, am i up to it physically seeing that my health can be rather vulnerable? i have people telling me straight in my face that that i shouldn’t do it, mostly because i’m not yet up to it. however deep inside there is this doggedness that keeps pursuing, as God keeps providing, when i continue to communicate with the 2 missions with my role in Myanmar and Philippines.

my plans for studies were almost cemented until it was plucked out by the radical thought that this time i could really dive into some mission work. since then mission work has always been winning the battle of “what Steph should do”. although that was the case, right now, writing this post, i am so close to giving up and saying yes to studies. the deadline for accepting the offer is close by, and classes start merely 2 weeks later. however the thought of 2 whole years of study makes me anxious. i just spent the last 3 years fighting to serve the sick (and/or my calling) and now i’m spending 2 years on upgrading myself? i don’t know why there is this shift in mindset but that sounds awfully selfish. also, with the dawn of my depression coming from nursing school, returning to school is a frightening thought. i am hesitant with signing my letter of offer, as i shared with my psychotherapist, because after the past 5 years, i don’t trust myself with such decisions anymore. with all the decisions i’ve made since i fell into depression, there have been many things that have gone awry. too many actually. and i cannot convince myself that i am making the right choice once more.

i know that i’m living in God’s time, and things cannot be rushed. one simply cannot just choose to do something for the sake of it, as i’ve learnt. God will make a way, and He will tell me what it is in His many ways, if i would only wait, listen and pray about it.

i’ll be spending the next 4 days serving in OYP’s Treasure retreat. it’s a time to give back, to serve, to give and not to want. and of course, it’s precious time with God. i have to make my decision by the end of the retreat by the way. sigh.


One thought on “a fork in the road

  1. I remember trying to explain to my best friend, You know how you have a “gut feeling”? I can never ever trust my gut feeling. My gut will be 100% on one thing tonite, and by tomorrow night it’s gone full circle to 100% gut feeling of the opposite of last night’s thing.
    I told her it was so difficult not being able to trust your gut. Depression is a hard, hard thing.

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