overwhelmed

i almost had a meltdown last night (which explains my previous post), because my fibromyalgia (FM) was flaring again. my upper back was in so much pain that breathing was painful and difficult. again. it was so reminiscent of my last major FM flare, that as i heaved with each breath, i feared that this flare wouldn’t terminate. i sent off an impromptu email to my anaesthetist at 2am, telling him that i’ve had enough of these FM flares, and that nothing i did was helping.

today my flares has eased a bit in intensity, but the pain has spread further. my anaesthetist replied to say the he is not in the hospital, and that i can only see him on Thursday (which is when my appointment is). he suggested the Emergency Department if it’s really bad. i told him that it is not an option for me. the last time i went there for my chronic pain, i was treated like trash and it was a huge waste of time.

it didn’t help that i avoided physical activities, which was what triggered my last big FM flare. it happened again anyway, this time, without any physical triggers. i don’t know what to do with FM right now.

my stomach’s emptying is delayed again. nausea and vomiting almost everyday, and vomiting undigested food 8 hours post-meal. it’s really annoying that we don’t know what is causing all these. right now, i can only think that it is triggered by the “stress” which my mind and body is in.

i’m exhausted living on the edge, fearing pain, and fearing that i’ll lose all grip on my mind.

surely there is more to life than drowning in pain and sadness.

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