fibro’s kicking my ass

i don’t know if “fear” is the right word, but I’ve been constantly afraid of pain. especially the pain that can be possibly avoided. it’s this heightened awareness of physical activities that i fear may trigger flares (of both fibromyalgia and/or RA), that puts me on an edge. it’s a different life from those past when i had to contend with the unpredictability of RA. but the 2 converge? i don’t know.

i went to bowl on Saturday, after an impromptu invitation from my friend. i gave little thought about it, because it seemed harmless (isn’t it???). and if anything, i thought only my fingers and arm would hurt. but the first ball i threw made me very aware of adductors, and it rang some alarm bells. but i refused to stop having fun, and played 2.5 games. i couldn’t play the last half of the 3rd game because my PIP joints hurt too much. my adductors were also very sore at the end of the night. however they gave no clue as to what was to happen the next day.

the next morning i was in for a shock. my glutes and thigh muscles ached so badly, i had trouble walking. it’s the 4th day, and i’m still limping. i was tempted to use my cane or crutch to take the weight off, but alas i didn’t. (i turned to oxycodone once- 20mg of it. i’ve been trying to wean myself off oxycodone [my usual dose is 10mg], and taking 20mg all at once gave me a brain fog which I’ve not felt in awhile. it helped temporarily though.) this pain is new and different in so many ways, and it’s also something that i could foresee happening. but now that it’s happened, it really hit me hard once more that FM screws me in ways i didn’t want it to. i cannot do physical activities without flaring.

i hate it that though i am now limited in my activities to prevent flares, it isn’t a sure-fire way to avoid flares completely. i’m missing out on things i love- a long time back with ballet, and now things like SUP-ing… i’m not sure i’m entirely ok with it. i still ache on the inside, sore from not being able to do them. i constantly ask myself if it is worth it. but the thing is, is the pain worth it? it doesn’t feel like it. how physical are the physical activities that i should refrain from? the list seems to grow bigger and bigger by the day.

i loathe that “exercise” is a way to treat depression and FM. i am constantly told by my psychiatrist, rheumatologist and anaesthetist to exercise to help with the mood and pain. more so than ever, i can’t, and i have a hard time persuading them that exercise flares me up. it seems easy to just rest on the excuse that i am lazy. but i am working towards just going for physiotherapy, in hopes of having it help my FM.

right now, FM seems to be kicking my ass more than RA is. and sigh i am not okay with.

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