what sparkle?

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i have always believed that I have stayed true to myself. that despite criticisms and disagreements with who i am, i remain unchanged. but being reminded of this saying however, perhaps “my sparkle” has long been dulled. this realisation upsets me, because i take pride with who and what i am.

i feel extremely helpless when i overwhelmed with what i think is avolition. i lack the motivation to engage in meaningful activities, to leave the house at all, maintain relationships, and basically self-care. i guess i might have ‘”switched off” up in my head, because it’s just too exhausting to care. i can’t seem to wrap my mind around all these- i am lacking, yet it is too much.

“my sparkle” took a hard grinding. i’ve fought and struggled for a long time that i am exhausted. it has come to the point where i ask myself if it is worth it. do i cling on to everything that i am despite the exhaustion? or do i give it up to retain some semblance of sanity? i believed this is something that i’ve struggled with for a long time, and what i am now is me caving in and begging for some peace of mind.

if anything, i hope this bit of avolition is part of this refractory depression that constantly eats at me. that “my sparkle” will return one day, and that it’ll shine so bright. i am reminded that out of the darkness comes hope and salvation. sp let me never stop hoping that i’ll see the light again.

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