strength in falling

there is strength in falling, that you don’t know. it’s a rough tumble down into the dark abyss, that you can’t imagine. it’s staring into the white ceiling and the fan rotating, that you begin to realise. you’ve been so unwell despite the normalcy you portray that your mind finally betrays you.

you stare into the white ceiling and listen to the whirls of the rotating fan. your arms are tied down. and so are your torso and feet. eyes wide shut, you think of what’s gone wrong. did you not try hard enough? were you not a good girl? 

should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.

they upped the dosages. i could not fight. what was once a last resort for me is now the first-line. it’s hard to swallow, but i signed the consent anyway. anything to make it go away. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

-Psalm 73:26

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