obliged

i feel like stripping myself of all obligations.

i feel extreme pressure- from my family, from school, from work, from finances, from doctors, from chronic illnesses, and from friends. some would ask me “why? “, but i would ask you “why not?”. there are simply too many things that they want of or from me. it feels like each of them has their hand on me, and they’re dragging me on my heels toward what they each expect of me.

i feel extremely torn, extremely anguished, that my obligations do not include me getting well.

like, what do i do when i can’t go on anymore, leashed and tugged at by so many people and so many things?

i can’t. obligations are called as such for a reason. there’s no escaping, no running away. unless there comes a day when it’ll be ok to openly say, “i’m not ok”.

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8 thoughts on “obliged

  1. But it is okay to say you’re not okay!!
    It pains me to hear that you are feeling forced into obligations…I realize there is a social pressure to constantly be productive, but please take some time for yourself. Take some time to deal with “not being okay”, treasure yourself, and refocus.
    Stay strong, my friend.

    • Thank you, my dear friend.

      It is true that there is social pressure to always be productive. I wish i could surrender and say “hey i’m not ok. can you me some time to rest?”, but i can’t because i was just discharged. That meant that that was my chance to get well but obviously i didn’t, because half of my 2 week admission was spent in a medical hospital for pneumonia. i couldn’t even do more ECTs, and neither did they check if i was even anything near ok before i was discharged. So yeah my chance to get better was ruined, and i can’t go in again.

      Sigh, i’m sorry for rambling. 😦

      • No worries. It’s better to get it all out. 🙂
        It’s unfortunate that you weren’t able to rest during your stay at the hospital. Giving you my best wishes during this difficult time. You’ll get through it just like you have before.
        Sending you lots of love.

  2. Dear Steph,

    I am sorry it has been almost 2 months since I promised to write. I have been struggling, too. So I definitely understand when you say that you can’t always write or respond to comments on a timely basis, or when you ramble because you can’t concentrate / focus, simply because most of the time it already takes everything you have (and more?) to merely survive.

    Please know that even when I don’t write, I am checking in now and then, and I care about you, and I always hope that you are, at the very least, not doing poorly. 😦 I know that is a tall demand for those of us who have these struggles (yours and mine are different in many ways, of course, but you get where I’m coming from?). I dunno… but at the very least, just know that there are people who care about and are rooting for you… and hopefully that can be of some consolation once in a while.

    *hugs*

    t

    • dear t

      i’m glad to hear from you again, although i’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling. it heartens me to know that you care. i know where you are coming from. i hope you aren’t doing very poorly too. but i have been doing poorly, and i’m trying in my best possible capacity to cope, inpatient, increased dosages, ECTs, out in the wild and all. i wish you all the very best. i was wanting to ask if you have a blog. do let me know? thank you so much again dear.

      xoxo
      Steph

      • the one month i had my 10 ECTs (outpatient), when i wasn’t in the clinic, i was at home sleeping. have very little memory of the entire month. it’s amazing you can still… be awake?! much less write here and get anything done whatsoever. it’s so hard i know… hugs! please take care of yourself? sorry i don’t have a blog… too lazy to upkeep… i had one like 15 years ago i think?! omg i’m so old haha.

        xx

      • hmm after these 3 ECTs that i recently had, i’ve had 44 ECTs in total for my whole life. the only things that bug me are the headaches right after, and the amnesia which gets worse with each additional session.
        ECTs are very taxing on the mind. it might be why you slept a lot. or it’s just the anaesthesia they used.

        it’s ok not to have a blog! don’t say you’re old, t! please take good care of yourself too!

        xoxo
        Steph

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