in Him i seek refuge

sometimes, darkness blankets me, and i stay in it. i know, after 5 years, that depression deems this darkness a good place to dwell in. my faith journey through these all sees me letting in the light- the light of Christ- in the times when hope glimmers. regrettably, darkness triumphs over the light, because i am yet to be in a place where i am more recovered.

since i last wrote, plenty has happened. school being on a break, i’ve been busy with work and serving in a retreat.

i have been blessed to have a change in my job description, where i am no longer a nurse. it was a decision to place my focus on social service, rather than on nursing. my workplace is truly a blessing to be in- all of my colleagues so God-loving, and passionate for our cause. my manager takes it further by being extremely considerate to my wellbeing. for all of these i praise God for His providence!

i was on the intercessory team in the retreat. my prayer life has never been good, nor was it good during intercessions (in my opinion that is). but we experienced for ourselves God working through everyone in the retreat. again, tasting the grace of the Lord has me on my knees.

groping my way around in the dark, i fell and hurt myself badly again. i am ashamed of it, simply because God’s light is there, but in my sadness i refused to let it in. in the end i became the perpetrator and also the victim. i don’t know why i let people’s words get to me, nor do i know why i seek so much healing from physical pain.

reluctantly, at the nagging of my friends, i sought medical attention, and was placed in the hands of trauma surgeons. but i’m fine. i really am. everyone has been overreacting.

i want to let the light in- His light and His glory. light chases out darkness, and in doing so, faith, hope and love comes through easier. everyday is a challenge to choose God, even if it’s not in the ways of the faith. when i choose to be kind to myself, to not hurt myself, to smile, to laugh, to love myself, i am choosing God.

in Him there is no darkness, and in Him i seek refuge.


after edit:

i forgot to mention. remember the last term of school in which i missed 3 weeks out of 5 weeks of lesson due to my hospitalisation? the one in which i spent 1 week writing 2 papers whole juggling school and work? the one which i only took less than a weekend to study for 2 exams?

i checked my results, after almost forgetting that they had been released, and… i scored distinctions for both!!! *phew* this i tell you, is entirely God-given. aside from the extremely tight time frame that i had, i was fighting a terrible war on the depression front at that point of time, and was amnesiac when the exams came. that i could survive, much less work through what little was left of the school term, could never have happened without God’s grace.

 

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