2016

by the stroke of midnight, i still could not reconcile with myself enough of my life in 2015. and because of that, the mere thought of going into yet another year became incredibly daunting. i stepped into 2016 literally in tears.

the New Year is generally a joyous occasion. i don’t, however, enjoy it very much. the past few New Years have been particularly difficult for me. being so forward-looking can be difficult when even the here and now seem so bleak.

i look at the past year and i don’t see much that i’ve been happy about. my only greatest joy in 2015 was renewing my faith in God, drawing closer to Him, and joining my community Sinners. all these seem to be enough, even when things are not going well. be it less than desirable pain management, falling sick, leaving nursing etc.m

but…

a year wrought with self-harm and hospitalisations is never a good one. watching myself regress back into the person i least wanted to be (again) was like watching a horror movie. i was frightened, but yet i was helpless as my life unfolded in ways i could never fathom. all the good, all the progress i made in the previous year went up in smokes. i left 2015 with many more scars, physical or mental, than i had when i entered it, and i hate myself for letting it happen. as if i wasn’t pained enough from the motions of life, i put it on myself to suffer needlessly again and again. then getting currents once more, after functioning 2 years without it, was the final straw. at the bottom of it, it meant, without the knowledge of many others, that i could not maintain my existence without these electric currents. it also finally signified that yes i had truly fallen, despite all that i have done and the stubborn insistence that perhaps i’m still not too far gone, and no this is not over. it egged at me that while i am still here, recovery still eludes me.

i guess what 2016 is for me, is to really draw even closer to God, to regain my control over pain, and to persevere in my journey to recovery. to what expense, i don’t know. but whatever it takes, i guess. nothing less.

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