it has been a tough many weeks for me.
i spent the entire time holding on to my faith for my dear life.i feared that had i let go even a little, i’d completely lose myself or my life. it was not a time to compromise.
i had gone for a surgery, and then transferred to a psychiatric hospital/ward. i was quite sick i suppose. because even 8 electroconvulsive therapy(ECT) sessions didn’t make me better. i was discharged by a doctor whose clinical judgement is extremely lacking.
what happened next was a disaster. i ended up in the hospital’s high-dependency ward, clinging onto my life. at my worst i was only breathing a mere 4 breaths a minute. when i was better, i was yet again transferred to the psychiatric hospital/ward. i tried to make it all go away again with ECTs to no avail.
till date, i’ve done 56 ECTs in my life, and my memory is failing fast and furious.
meltdowns i had plenty during my admissions. be it tears or blood, i could never really hold myself together. and when they asked me what i’d live for, i could not answer them. i’d also a fiery temper, and got into trouble a few times. twice, i fell from a certain height while in the ward. i ended up with a really badly sprained ankle, and many bruises. in these admissions, for the first time, i had to be sedated several times with IM Haloperidol, IM Promethazine or IM Lorazepam.
here i am, discharged once more. i don’t want to go back in there. i don’t belong there. whatever personal crises i’ve had, they are over now. and because of all of these, i’ve resigned from my job and i’ve deferred my studies. my parents have been telling me that i’ve been too hard on myself.
really? i don’t know. i am only trying my best to exist. every breath i take is every breath loved by my Lord.