still trying

at the dawn of my depression, my younger sister once told me that “when you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way is up”. wise words which i tried to believe in, but up was never where i went. rock bottom became my “normal”, and everything else ran on well, what else? negative.

dad reminds me that today marks 7 days out in the wild. i’ve begun to appreciate being “out in the wild” since the days of lengthy hospital stays because of my depression. he and mum got me a gift, sorta like a pat on the back, for staying out this long. the last time i was out, i didn’t make it past 4 days (i’ve had worse though). this act, together with going for confession (after months of procrastinating), begs me to rethink things. rethink life.

to be honest, it’s really much easier to slip than one could ever imagine. and for several years battling depression without so much as my faith in God, i butchered myself. hard. i only had extrinsic motivations to stay “well” and out in the wild, and never intrinsic ones. i truly believed i deserved everything i lashed upon myself. even worse, i thought it insufficient. for awhile things seemed to get “better”, and there was once i passed 500 days without a single admission. that was something i celebrated. but could you imagine? i was actually celebrating a freedom which has been given to most people so freely. it didn’t feel like living. it felt like existing. while i counted my days out in the wild, i tried my utmost to not have to reset my count on my days free from self-harm. of course i never really succeeded in that. i failed so badly keeping the body that God has so lovingly given to me, safe and intact.

i know that plenty disagree with my self-harming ways, and i’ve soured or lost friendships because of this matter. but if one could just try to not think so hard about why i do it, just understand that self-harm has allowed me to still exist. in person (and online). because otherwise, i wouldn’t. i would be long gone. it’s so effing twisted, but this is what it is.

i ask myself why the past year has been so particularly bad, especially with self-harm. i ask myself why this is happening despite my encounter with God a year ago in Treasure 3. i have no concrete answers, except that with each episode i was triggered. and triggers to me, are the usual reasons why i hurt myself, go into crisis, and/or get admitted. i previously wrote that the past one year has been bad, but right now, after 2 psychiatric admissions and whatever that transpired during this period, this past year has been even worse. it’s been such a nightmare, i don’t even dare to hope that the coming year will be any better.

recovery still eludes me, i think. but i continue to ask our loving and merciful God to give me the strength and courage to continue to trudge on. i ask Him to help me to keep my ways straight, that i don’t turn my back on Him and go savage on the self once more and again. i know i can never do this alone, and i thank God that more than ever dadmum are trying to stand by me. the girl who has been so fiercely independent since she was even just 7 years old, is now trying to let go and depend on dadmum and God. everyday i that i live and breathe, is a decision i make to continue to live this life that has been given to me. it’s a conscious decision that i have to make. and i guess that with depression, learning to want to live again and stay safe and intact, is a huge part of attempting recovery.

 

the will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us.

-Billy Graham

 

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