i will not settle

in the past 5 years, many people have told me what i cannot do, many of them have this tendency to decide what should be done to me, and many liked to point out my shortcomings, even though it is glaring that i am aware of it myself. i am turning 26 this year, and it still goes on. i have given in, caved in, due to the pressure given, and the insistence that they know better.

i have let people disparage me, decide that i should stop work, and tell me that i am unfit to work although i have been cleared by my doctor. i have let people bring me down, and oh i let them do so, and others have given me grief for doing so as well. i have been told i cannot do this or that, because my depression renders me “weak” and a “liability”. i have let people lock me up, making damn well use of the Mental Health Act. i have allowed people to tell me in my face “why are you still like that?”, and tell me the precedent of my depression doesn’t seem to warrant such a long and severe bout of depression.

i am asked sometimes why i have such a low self-esteem. i tell them that it has been low all the while, but in the past 5 years, i have been trampled on time and again by people. and it has been a very vulnerable period for me. so tell me again. why am i down, and why is my self-esteem so low? why is my recovery process so slow? why am i the way i am

most times i let them get to me, because i believe them while being extremely vulnerable. but was there ever any basis for such words? oh no, i don’t think so. the only basis is that of stereotype. depression just seems like such a vulgar word that it doesn’t call for any empathy. and it seems rather apparent that tearing a person with depression apart is pretty apt.

after my discharge on Friday and finding myself fighting to not go inpatient again, i realised that i have found some strength in me to defy what people like to condemn me with. perhaps a part of me is tired of just going with the flow. or maybe i’m just filled to the brim with all these disparaging.

i simply will not settle, from today onwards. i will fight, and i will damn well talk them down, if they were to even begin to mutter a word about me. and for those who have already done damage (95% of them don’t even know that they’ve trampled on me), God bless you, and i don’t have the space in my life to accommodate you.
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