i just returned from Chiang Mai, Thailand. it was a 5 day trip with my parents. considerably shorter than the 10 days we had booked for, when i first arranged for my spiritual retreat. in the days leading up to the trip, i was still bitter that i was rejected for an agreed upon retreat, because i was forthcoming with my depression. the people around me, friends who are Catholic, tried to comfort me by telling me that perhaps this was not the time for me to spend so much time in silence alone with God. i was also frustrated at the fickleness of my parents and their insistence that we did not set an itinerary. the thought of spending 24/7 with my parents, sharing even a hotel room, scared the shit out of me. i didn’t think i could deal with it. so before we flew, yes i was literally going crazy.

we enjoyed Chiang Mai, except for the scorching heat and rowdy tourists. dad and i would bicker, and he threw his usual “tantrums” several times. but whatever it was, i knew i could i look forward to a zip line adventure that i had booked much earlier. one which i could go for without my parents. i had an amazing time zipping through over 10 lines. the longest we had was a 700m line and that was fucking amazing. i felt so free then, although admittedly the physical aspect of hiking really challenged my poor heart. i also enjoyed good ‘me’ time shopping alone. H&M gave me a sweater that i’d wear with everything. and that never comes that easily.

i had many mixed feelings coming home. i didn’t want to return to the monotony that is my life. i didn’t want to return to somewhere i feel most vulnerable. i didn’t want the control of my parents (but believe me it is worse in Chiang Mai). i didn’t want to have to be in my room where my mind is left to its monsters.

but alas. home it is. therapy the day after i arrived home. and school the next (which is today). many things distress me now.

i’ll just leave things here for now.



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