admittedly, the physical pain that often plagues me has lessened considerably. i rely much less on pain medications. and to be honest, although it’s a good thing and it is heartening, i am also afraid. my body, my health, and of course life, is ever so dynamic. what i gain today, i can lose tomorrow, and vice versa.
and yes, so i fear.
it’s still a long time before i see a neurologist. i see one late June. although i’ve not had anymore “attacks”, i’ve realised that my clumsiness is not getting better. i asked my mum if i’ve ever been clumsy, and she said no. it’s only been in recent years that i keep finding myself sprawled on the ground, the road, and recently on the escalator. i’ve even fallen and rolled off steps. clumsiness is not a symptom of MS, but it is telling, from what i have learnt as a nurse. and so when i found myself falling on the escalator last week, my 2nd fall in just 1 week, i was just… lost. but i’ll let things be.
i always err on the cautious side with my health because years and years of being sick and being medicated has changed my body in so many unimaginable ways. parents, people and healthcare professionals think i am attention-seeking. but what do you do when you’ve know for years- 16-17 years- that something is wrong with your body, yet no one tries to even get you medical help? when i was 17 i brought myself to doctor and found out i had been living and suffering silently with JRA (RA after that) since i was just 1. and even with a diagnosis from rheumatologists, my parents are disapproving of what was going on with my body. so i learnt it the hard way, to ask for help with a body that does not agree.
after hiking in Chiang Mai, i discovered (again the hard way) that my heart did not agree with too much effort. when i came back, it slowly became evident again that i was heaving walking only halfway to the bus stop. that’s not strenuous, right? i have been getting breathless at every little thing i do. i just registered a heart rate of 140+ at rest today. i know my heart is not doing great, and i’m going back to see a cardiologist again. nothing might have worsened. something might have gone wrong. i don’t know. there’s always fear that my left ventricle has dilated further. hmph.
i guess i am just a really anxious person who needs reassurance that my body is not failing on me again. i am tormented enough with psychic pain, and i don’t know how else to quell the perpetual anxiety in me that something is wrong.
anyway, head wise, i’ve not been doing great. it’s been extremely difficult. my eating disorder is back. full blown. and it really messes things up, after it being so fully latent for a year or so. it’s an insurmountable task, coping with the depression and eating disorder, because they both feed into each other.
so yup. oh and i’m back at school. i’m doing just a counselling module this term, and i love what we talk about in lectures.