let go, let God

sometimes i don’t know if it’s letting go, or giving up. it’s a fine line.

for many years, i’ve fought against everything that ailed me. it was mostly pain, then it was the sinking sadness, the murderous suicidality, the ravaging hunger, everything. i didn’t want them. i want so much to make them go away. i wanted real solutions. but everything i have fought for gave me only temporary reprieve. they were still there, and it only made me angry. mostly angry at myself, but also angry at the doctors. why couldn’t i get better? why couldn’t they fix me? i never had the answers, and they didn’t give it to me as well. for years i left consultation rooms both angry and disappointed. the anger raged within me and it fed into the monsters in my head. the hopelessness and helplessness only served to dump me down. it didn’t make things any better.

i must’ve have gone through this phase several times in these last 10 years. my mind shuts down. i stop fighting. i give in. i let it all eat me up. it means that i am settling. i settle with the pain and i will stop asking my doctors to fix me (both my anaesthetist and rheumy). i settle with what i have right now with pain and disease management. i settle with knowing that i will not have answers nor solutions. does it help with the pain? no it doesn’t. but the anger within me quelled. it was like *phew*. the load on my shoulders got significantly lighter. i can breathe better. letting go after trying so hard to gain control over every aspect of my life, was a world of a difference.

i talked to my anaesthetist. i told him that right now i could settle with plain Anarex (paracetamol+orphenadrine), tramadol, and Arcoxia (etoricoxib). that i didn’t need any Oxycontin because i am ok where i am right now. he was cool with it, after some hoohah over opiates between the medical and psychiatric hospitals. he understands that if i do need it, i will reach out to him. but right now, i don’t wanna be popping unnecessary pain meds that will not help with chronic rotator cuff tendinitis.

i talked to my rheumy today. she was very concerned by the possibility of me having MS, and went on a tendon-tapping frenzy today. but besides that, we have established that i am now RA quiescent- i’m in remission. nevermind the rotator cuff tendinitis that’s long-standing now. i told her also that i will settle. it’s a compromise. i don’t want to medicate myself further just to eradicate the tendinitis, because it’ll probably be futile.

(i’ve never really connected with the clinic staff even though i’ve been seeing my rheumy for 8-9 years. but today, an assistant nurse tells me that she knows i’ve been around for a long time. i didn’t think anyone would notice, but well, they did. made me smile!)

i am, to be honest, extremely heartened that these 2 doctors are playing very much of a supportive role. they ask my opinions on what they can do for me, or on what they can give me to help me. it took awhile for us to reach this point, but i don’t blame them. it’s difficult to see for themselves a patient who butchers herself in unimaginable ways, who is plagued with medical and psychiatric admissions, and has so many things on her plate that everything health-wise is intertwined. both of them are parents themselves, and i witnessed their difficulty accepting a patient like me. parents’ instincts i guess. their letting go, and now me letting go, has made it supremely easy to cope.

i’m not quite sure though, if i could settle with the psychic pain. the anguish and the torment of living with depression, self-harm, bulimia and borderline traits, is like free-falling through an infinite drop. you think the horror of falling is ending, like somehow there’s ground somewhere. but it doesn’t end. it will not end until i’ve suffered enough. i’ve let go in a way that i’ve tried to not grasp everything in my head- that’s cruel to myself. i’ve let go in a way that i don’t fight aggressively with my monsters. i’ve settled on knowing that my psychiatrist will not have answers for me- none of them ever had, so what makes my current one different? they know that i am notoriously difficult to treat, my severe depression refractory. i accept that they can’t quite save me. i accept that they are treating me symptomatically and keeping me functional. damage control. we were, and are never in that stage where we look forward and say that “hey let’s work towards recovery”, because i’m not there yet. i’ve never been. everytime i get closer to that, i fall. and so we’ve learnt.

it takes courage and faith, to let go of what i cannot control in my “sufferings”. i’d like to think that i am not giving up. rather, i place myself in the hands of God. i accept how things are. and i work with what i have. i will not chase for answers or solutions if there’s likely none. i will not fight, not because i am weak. but because fighting is counterintuitive. i will cope with these “sufferings” with faith, hope and time. and perhaps one day i’ll be able to say that i’ve triumphed over these “sufferings”. i have doubts with what i am doing right now (everything i’ve mentioned in this post). but this is the only way to go, where i am. and i’ll place it all at the foot of the cross, and give it up to Him.



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