what’s up

  1. hit rock bottom (in maladaptive coping methods). emailed shrink. he said i should be admitted inpatient to keep me safe.
  2. did not go to the psychiatric hospital directly.
  3. went savage on the body. bleeding couldn’t be stopped after 2 hours. wound up in the Emergency and waited 11 hours for a bed.
  4. surgery to fix the damage i’d done. lungs didn’t take in as much air as they’d hope post-surgery. spent hours with nasal prongs.
  5. medical hospital’s psychiatrists decreed to send me to the psychiatric hospital (oh when do they not?), so i was shipped off.
  6. admitted in the looney bin involuntarily.
  7. struggled in the ward (it’s a madhouse in there), but got out in 4.5 days.
  8. was so happy to be out i shopped, dined and drank.
  9. then guess what?
  10. i screwed up again.

i don’t know why it happened. i mean, it’s fine by me if i screw up but am able to fix it myself. but no. it went awry. i could never fathom the consequences that resulted from my actions. let’s just say that with one decision (and action) i made, i spent at least 5 hours trying to stop it from making my room look like bloodshed, and i from fainting.  5 hours and i am still feeling unwell, my room a warzone. but at least the toilet is fairly ok.

i’m seeing my psychiatrist in a few hours. i think it is not unwise to say that i will be put back in to suffer again. although there is a chance i might get away scot-free, really.

i am such a disaster.

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