You will ever be

it’s been 9 days. 

in these fights- the ones against my mind that threatens everything in my life, against my flesh, against the doctors/nurses, against the system, and now against my own body- i’ve been seeking God. 

i’ve asked myself endlessly where is God, in all these pain and anguish. still being in a spiritual desert, i found myself praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy while inpatient. it gave me a peace of mind, but it ended there. i struggled to hold on to those graces granted. but alas, it was not enough for me.

because i had told my community Sinners before these 9 days started, they’ve been praying for me. but in my anguish i felt undeserving. i was not “really sick” even though i was unwell. i was ashamed even, because it had all started when i decided to turn savage against myself. i was the perpetrator, the sinner here. who was i to be prayed for? i continued to feel deeply this shame, although i was grateful for the prayers. but in my suffering i feebly found strength in the Bible, and in the life of St John Paul the Great.

on day 7, i was finally liberated. i say that because in these 7 days i was technically held under the law. i was ecstatic. i did some shopping, and had a fantabulous dinner with some of the Sinners. and guess what? on this joyful day i did not even take a minute to thank God for his graces.

on that very same night of Day 7, shit happened (really, for the lack of a better word). i felt like the whole night was unsalvageable. i dare not ask for God’s intervention for the 8 hours that i literally fought a battle in my room. it was me, against my failing flesh, and the bloodshed in my room. i did not stop the whole 8 hours- I was either trying not to exsanguinate, trying not to lose consciousness, trying to clean up the horrid mess, and clean myself up. where was God in this entire self-inflicted and self-deserving event? i don’t know, but He must have been there with me. it could have gone a lot of worse and things could have gotten very awful.

into Day 8, i got into trouble again because of my obligation to see my psychiatrist on my appointment. that’s the power of psychiatric hospitals. i spent 10 hours navigating the system in both psychiatric and medical hospitals, and at the end of it, i walked free out of the psychiatric hospital. where was God the whole day? i did not seek Him out, but through my friends from Sinners, His grace and love emanated in the words and actions. yet at the end of the day, again i did not stop to give thanks to my Saviour Lord.

Day 9 came as a shock for me. i had a difficult week fighting a myriad of people, emotions and things. i only wanted to rest. but alas i woke up with my left leg, weak, numb and tingly. history happened again. i called to check if my neurologist was around, but he wasn’t. i ended up in the Emergency Room again. i was fortunate enough that my symptom wasn’t brushed off as an orthopaedic issue. they took me seriously, after giving them my history with this symptom, my falls, my encounter with a neurologist, and my MRI of my spine. it was very real, and the doctors ended up admitting me. while waiting for a bed, they sent me for an MRI of the brain and cervical spine. i sighed a breath of relief as these would be the ones to give the doctors the best idea of what’s going on. in this period of about 18 hours, my leg symptoms waxed and waned, although i still required my forearm crutch. but still i thank God for being by my side through this. medical issues are less predicatable than psychiatric ones, and without God guiding my way, i would have felt so lost.

i know i am superfluous with my words. but in this post, i wanted to write about these “adversities”. i could think that God is absent, or that me being spiritually dry, i can’t seem to see, hear or feel Him. that because of these i stopped praying, and i glance over what He can do and tell myself that He won’t do it for me. that because of the wretchedness of my trespasses i am not worthy of Him, or even the prayers of my friends to Him.

but i am wrong, and perhaps subconsciously i knew that too. i want to give thanks to Him for these 9 days of tribulation. i want to thank Him for this sufferings, because i know with these i am a better person. i want to thank Him for walking with me, for bearing my crosses with me (and not for me), and for sharing my pain and burden with me. i want to thank Him for His unending love and mercy, for the faith He has in me and for the faith He gives me. i want to give thanks to my good good God for loving me when i am most unloveable, and even when people think that of me too. 

i am flawed. i am unwell sometimes. i do unfathomable things which are condemned by many who believe in the same God i do. i find myself extremely wretched. but God sees past all of that, and he does not discount the reality of my illnesses and the suffering it brings. He stays, and He never wavers. He never flinches, even if He sees me trespassing the flesh He so lovingly gave me.

God meets me where i am. in my wounds, in my sadness, in my pain, in my illness, in my encounters with others. 

perhaps when i feel spiritually dry (as i do now, and have for a few months), it’s not much of seeking Him, but simply knowing that He is there. it is our hunger, our thirst for Him, that draws us even closer to Him even though we still don’t feel Him. He is here, if only one remembers to desire Him and everything He stands for.

perhaps one of my favourite Bible verses:

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

Job 23:10

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