heart trigger

i guess nobody would truly understand, why i’d shed those tears on that hospital bed. why i curled up under the blankets, why i had undone something that was already mended. why even though it’s not my fault, it actually is my fault.

nor can anybody fathom the pain and anguish that i hold in my heart, for the parts of me that aren’t well. most days the time goes by, minute by minute, hour by hour. my body bears the brunt of my chronic pain, my mind fights off what brings me down. but ever so often the mind and/or the body breaks when it’s fatigued. it feels like it is in a precarious position then- tip it ever so slightly in either way and i’d crumble. if i’m lucky, it is either one. if i am not, it is both.

the idea of permanence of these things that ail me is frightening. i always try to be ok with my afflictions. sure i do whine about pain, pills, doctors and all. but i always try to see the good in these afflictions. i tell myself- and i do have to tell myself to convince myself- that although these afflictions pain me and God, it shapes me into a better person that God wants me to be. i’ve personally witnessed that when he called me to be a nurse. so i trust in Him with that. i often ask why, and i have learnt (though i do forget) that i may never get answers/solutions. i’m never getting cured of RA. i may never live absolutely pain-free. i may never be mentally well enough to be a fully functional adult who can stop going into hospitals. the left ventricle of my heart may continue to dilate. the weakness and numbness in my leg may never go away, it may get worse, spread, or morph into some disease. it can be everything and nothing. and it’s not up to me nor anyone else.

when i get into an acute situation with my health, giving it time usually helps me place my faith and trust back in God. it’s not easy, even though i’d like my faith to be stronger than what i am right now. God meets me where i am, i must remember.

it is literally driving me crazy, but i wish with all my heart that we know what’s going on with my damned leg.


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