being tested

once again, i’m being tested. and this time’s proving to be really difficult.

i’ve lost faith in the mental healthcare system. i should have, a long time ago, actually. times like this, the only advice is to go to the emergency room to likely get admitted. my reluctance to do so most times, is because the team in the ward is literally helpless. they can’t do anything for me. i am there only because it’s a safe environment. but i need more than that and my usual weekly therapy. additionally, the team in the ward doesn’t know much about me. me, and my psychiatric history, is extremely complex. and they haven’t taken the time nor effort to know and understand me. besides, the ward is a terrible place to be. it is not in the least conducive for recovery. so what am i to do?

my psychiatrist can only see me early December at best. and he’s already bending the rules to get that for me. while i am grateful, it’s still a long way to go, and despair is all i’ve got right now. i just saw my therapist yesterday. did my psychiatrist really think therapy would make things better for me? sometimes it doesn’t. sometimes it is triggering. sometimes i stay status quo. rarely i move forward.

i know things are really bad when the tears fall in public. even the realisation that i am crying in public, makes it worse. i don’t like finding myself in this position. yet i feel extremely helpless. i’m at a loss.

my sisters-in-Christ have been trying really hard to support me. they’ve been trying to get me to keep the faith, and rely not on myself, but on God. times like that, this is most difficult. i guess all i can do now is to keep trying. because if i don’t, i’ll be gone from this earth.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

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