i can’t quite articulate what it is that i am feeling right now. but i feel quite dysphoric.
it feels like everything i am doing is wrong, despite knowing very well that they are indeed wrong or dysfunctional. when faith meets medicine/psychology, i fail so miserably. i can’t seem to reconcile the both of them. and in the midst of existence, of coping, of trying to right my wrongs, i feel extremely fragmented. as i go around picking up the broken pieces, i also leave behind pieces of me that i loath. i am never complete, because there are so many parts of me that are wrong, so many that i want to abandon.
i am always told that my coping mechanisms are wrong. i try and try so hard to make it right for so many years. but when push came to shove, i tumbled down another rabbit hole. now i’m still wrong. perhaps even more dysfunctional than before. and so, am I wrong again? oh yes I still am. i am trying, for all the wrong reasons, and yet i am still wrong. more wrong than ever.
imprisoned, i can’t seem to break free. i can’t seem to right the wrongs. i can’t seem to truly find myself again. and i can’t seem to regain this sense of normalcy in my life, because something is always wrong and/or dysfunctional. it doesn’t help that i am painfully aware of it. painfully aware that the sum of all parts of me is wrong.
still i try, but sigh. it is tempting to give up.