it feels like i’m held underwater, my hands flailing in the air as a hand grasps the top of my head and holds me under. every time the hand releases and i manage to gasp for air, i promise to be good. in that fraction of a second i promise that i will be better. the oxygen i manage to take in feels like reprieve, like i am given a chance again. but very soon after i am dunked again, like a punishment. wasn’t good enough. didn’t try hard enough. water enters my lungs, and i’m drowning once again. the cycle has never ended. maybe the intervals between are longer at times. but i still drown each time i’m “weak”, each time i’m “not good enough”.
one day, soon enough, i’ll truly drown. there is only so much a body can take. and there’s not much left to take.