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eighteen

2017 passed me by like a nightmare i couldn’t wake up from. it has been excruciatingly painful.

i can’t remember the details of much (due to amnesia), but i know that i struggled a lot with physical and psychic pain. i never stopped trying to crawl out of the depths of unending darkness, because of the obligations i had to my family and to school. but i kept falling. i was in the emergency room so often- poked and prodded, cut up and stitched up, sent into surgery, and nights spent alone in the hospital… consequently, i too submitted to ECT even more, just to quell the dysphoria which haunted me perpetually. i’m not proud of it, and i know for all of these that i go through, i am ashamed of myself and by all others. but this is the best i can do to extend my existence.

but in the midst of the pain in 2017, i witnessed the great and unfailing faithfulness of God, and His perfect love for me, His child so sinful and sorrowful.

in 2018, may i learn to be little, to trust You with a child-like faith, to submit to Your divine will, and to love You with all that You have made me to be (and so much more). 

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this is the way, walk in it

in 72 hours, i presented myself twice (and no less) to the Emergency Department, afraid of bscklash, wallowing in shame and guilt. how did things become this way?

in June, and even now in July, i struggle. i can tell you that having faith itself and claiming to have head knowledge are a world of a difference. i know that in my utter brokenness, my faith is lacking. i don’t claim as much as i can, my identity as the beloved child and daughter of God. i always remember from retreats and from conversations with friends, about how Peter walked on water. i have to learn from him, in that he trained his eyes on Jesus- he had faith and he believed! because when his eyes wandered he sank!

i have to constantly keep my gaze on God, my saviour! i may not always know why i am triggered or upset, but i guess i just have to put my faith and trust in Him? and yes, i have to learn to open the door of my heart to Him!!!

“He destined us in love to be his sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace which he freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us.”

-Ephesians 1:5-8

p.s. Haemoglobin has dropped to 8.5g/dL, but they said it wasn’t low enough for a blood transfusion. Hand surgeons said Palmaris Longus and Flexor Carpi Radialis Sheath both sustained cuts (ie damage) but they weren’t gonna repair it. On a backslab now.

better days to come

the month of June is coming to an end, and i think i can’t wait for a much better July.

3 lacerations (and consequently 2 surgeries by hand surgeons and another minor surgery by the emergency doctor), had wound dehiscence and wound infections (MRSA and Pseudomonas), was held overnight for observation twice in the psychiatric hospital, had currents three times, had lithium upped, and then all these while having school and a paper to submit. sigh.

just saw my psychiatrist today. stopped further currents. adjusted my medications (lithium level [1g] is at 0.9). continuing therapy. and then praying for the best.

i don’t think i can relive another June again.


 “My grace is sufficient for you for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ , then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2 Corinthians 12-9,10

 

 

turning inward

you look outside of yourself, hoping that somewhere out there, someone can complete you or satisfy you. you look towards others for love, for acceptance, for understanding. and perhaps you did find someone, or some people, who do love you, accept you and understand you. and for awhile you feel like you’re home, glad that you can finally let your guard down. but time passes, and it hits you like a truck. there are conditions attached. haven’t you heard that there are always “buts”? you learn that there are things you do, things that are actually just parts of who you are, that make them love you less, accept you less, and misunderstand you. how do you make that right then, you ask yourself? how do you make them love you whole again? you will always have to be more. better and more. it will never suffice. and you will chase after that till the day you die, if love and acceptance and understanding is what you want to carry you through.

the human condition is terrible, truth be told. we are made like that. but it is also the human condition that makes us soft, and vulnerable. that gives us the capacity to love. give and take, no? expectations and its disappointments will kill you if you let it.

above all, trust in no one but in God alone.


the last 2 months have been spent in much anguish. i made a difficult decision of taking a step back from the desire of human connection. at that time it was very painful for me as i felt that many conversations i had were not genuine, whether it’s because i wasn’t intentional, or vice versa. for someone who thrives on human connection, i basically deprived myself of my social sustenance. the last 2 months (which also fell during the period of Lent) was also a period of spiritual desolation for me, and i really wondered why i was deliberately putting myself through so much pain.

changes in medication, lots of therapy, 30+ stitches, plenty of tears, and many prayers later, and on Good Shepherd Sunday, i know now.

turn not to people for your sustenance, but to God. He is unfailing!!! 🙂

“The Lord is my shepherd;
there is nothing i shall want.” 

Psalm 23:1

recovery

to be entirely honest, the state that i am in right now is rather disconcerting. recovery never felt like this, all these while in the past 6.5 years. it’s been 2 months since i entered this stage of normalcy where nothing quite happens. everything seems monotonous and flat. and i then i wonder if this is really life? it feels so awkward?

despite still being on a school break, i still try to keep up with managing my pain. pain always seems to outrun me, and then also the painkillers that i’m willing to take. painkillers, anti-emetics, physiotherapy, tennis ball, acupuncture, TENS unit. despite all these i still can’t keep up. i also have psychiatric appointments to keep every week, and they make me so tired *phew*.

my friends tell me that they noticed that seem more joyful, more at peace (really??). 2 months of normalcy hasn’t been easy, and i wonder what it would be like to lose it all again. too easy. i know i am very vulnerable right now, especially with visual triggers. and i know i will fall again if i lose to my impulsivity. but no one ever said it was easy?

let’s just pray that i will keep wanting this. because i sure am hell ain’t used to this.


after edit:

i don’t know what clicked. how recovery could’ve eluded me for 6.5 years, and it happens just like that??? i know it must’ve been divine intervention.

but nevertheless, no matter how rosy it seems, the struggle seems real. i still have bouts of sadness, but i do feel inexplicable joy at times. i don’t hurt myself anymore, but i had an incident, and i get triggered constantly and the threat of falling any second is very real. most of my other symptoms have improved from the tireless pursuit of psychiatric medications.

fibro flare

i’ve been struggling for weeks now, with back pain, headaches and fatigue that fibromyalgia brings. i managed the pain with paracetamol+orphenadrine, etoricoxib and ergotamine. my pain management wasn’t optimised because i loathed to take tramadol. the nausea it brings causes me plenty of grief.

the back pain (entire back) didn’t improve with rest. in fact, it felt like being horizontal made it worse. what sort of back pain doesn’t improve with rest??? i wrestled with the pain, resting nevertheless, and taking the analgesia. the pain worsened the insomnia, which in turn also affected the pain. what’s worse was that my mood has been poor. i am unable to identify if the poor mood triggered the pain, or vice versa. living with these chronic illnesses, i usually find myself entangled in its midst, never really knowing which was the real trigger.

last night however, i plucked up the courage to take tramadol 100mg with metoclopramide. the pain improved a tad, and was able to sleep better. then i realised i’ve been so silly omitting tramadol and causing unoptimised pain relief, just because i was afraid of nausea. i took tramadol again this morning. the pain continues, but it’s much better. knowing that i can still take another 300mg of tramadol for the rest of the day, gives me some relief. fibro can be a real pain in the ass, but oh well.

the low mood and insomnia will go on, but lessening the pain itself makes the struggle easier. i’ll let my psychiatrist take care of it!

God works in His ways, as long as we surrender to Him!!!