2017 passed me by like a nightmare i couldn’t wake up from. it has been excruciatingly painful.
i can’t remember the details of much (due to amnesia), but i know that i struggled a lot with physical and psychic pain. i never stopped trying to crawl out of the depths of unending darkness, because of the obligations i had to my family and to school. but i kept falling. i was in the emergency room so often- poked and prodded, cut up and stitched up, sent into surgery, and nights spent alone in the hospital… consequently, i too submitted to ECT even more, just to quell the dysphoria which haunted me perpetually. i’m not proud of it, and i know for all of these that i go through, i am ashamed of myself and by all others. but this is the best i can do to extend my existence.
but in the midst of the pain in 2017, i witnessed the great and unfailing faithfulness of God, and His perfect love for me, His child so sinful and sorrowful.
in 2018, may i learn to be little, to trust You with a child-like faith, to submit to Your divine will, and to love You with all that You have made me to be (and so much more).