i took 3 days off after finishing my last modular assignment. it took me so long to get back to work, to return to continue working on my thesis, because i was in sheer denial. i was utterly convinced this is the thesis which will destroy me. i sat down today reluctantly after taking Ritalin; Methods. how do i write this damn thing. i don’t know how. with every word i typed, every sentence, i balked quietly. it wasn’t academic writing. it was mere schoolgirl writing. i couldn’t find words and adjectives. thesaurus has been my best friend but even it fails. the most gob-smacking experience today was when i wanted to include descriptive statistics in my paper. i remembered that when i met my supervisor, we didn’t do it. so i prepped my data for analysis, but realised i might have missed out on one piece of data. did some checks, tried to really recall if we did anything about it. nope. so i messaged him and asked him and all. i didn’t even need to provide him with any hints, but it was clear as day to him that we did a whole host of stuff with the”forgotten data”. i had NO MEMORY of it, while he tried to convince me that we did this and that with it. i apologised. (and although i told him “ok!” i still don’t remember anything). this was only 2 weeks ago!!!
it scares me, to be honest. i was actually starting to think, since my last post, that my memory is either getting better, or it isn’t as bad as it seems. then today… i tried talking about this to my parents or close friends, but it seems so unfathomable? i don’t know. nobody understands that actually, before 2010, my memory was something that i was really proud of. my memory was fantastic, until the currents over the 7 years, then this really is the worse i’ve ever had… and i don’t know what to do.