no. i’m not ok. i’m not ok at all. and i don’t want to talk about it.
all i really wanted was a friend who was willing to sit beside me and listen to me. that’s all. i don’t want a friend to analyse what i say and rationalise with me. i don’t want a friend who tries to cheer me up or tries to be optimistic (which i can never be). i don’t want friends who tell me it’s gonna be ok, or that i should try harder, or that i should trust in God, yadah yadah yadah. and i have MANY friends who do all of these.
i just need all of you to shut up. i know you have good intentions. but just shut up.
because i DON’T NEED all these. and i DON’T WANT all these.
and so from here on, i know what to do. i really know what to do.
it’s not ok to say you’re not ok. people don’t want to know why you’re not ok.
when your friends say they understand you, they actually don’t. really.
and so, never seek to be understood.
don’t open your heart to anyone. it’s irretrievable and regret is inevitable.
there is never solely a single panacea.
keep your words to yourself if your words don’t lift the other person up.
love and care too much at your own peril. you’ll be fucking damned.
don’t look for love. love will find you.
since my discharge i’ve been very troubled, very pensive. there’s too much going on, and i don’t know why. in my head is solely self-reproach. there’s no room to be kind or gentle, however much i try. i close my eyes and i hear disparaging words, berating myself for all that i’ve done wrong. i sit in the present, helpless in changing the past, and looking to the future feeling extremely hopeless. i don’t know what to do. every single moment i’m awake i’m ruminating, and the only reprieve is when i’m asleep, or when i…
it weighs heavily on my heart that my final school year starts in 2 weeks. i hate to return to classes and a 10,000 word dissertation in such a state. there is no room to fall, no room to say “i need some time/space”.
and the worst part is that it is likely nothing can be done to alleviate all of these.
can i just walk away from life and disappear into nothingness?
so as i chased after darkness, i fell. serves me right. it was painful, not for the act itself, but the repercussions. when did it ever not hurt? questions rained down on me throughout the 5 days i was in the system. it sowed doubts in my heart and rendered me discombobulated. and it did not help that i could not find the light anymore. i walked out of there as soon as i could. i wanted to find the light, and i couldn’t find it while locked up in there. i know it is out there somewhere. but out in the splendid darkness, if light is not to be found, that is most dangerous for me.
i guess recovery constantly tests a person’s spirit. it’ll always ask “do you want this badly enough?”, as if to keep you on your toes. and if you let slip that you don’t, that’s when you crack and fall. and as long as you choose the light over darkness, recovery will demand that you damn well put in whatever effort it takes to get through each day. choose it, or lose it. mmm. that’s harsh.