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reclaiming my life

2 years later and this still holds true.

bloom where you are planted

reclaiming this life remains to be a constant struggle, and in itself begs to be answered as to how i can do so.

i can’t remember what normal is, and i can’t believe that there is a normal anymore. there is always too much, or too little, sometimes none. every single aspect of life has fallen victim to it. there seems too much to regulate, that in the midst of it i lose my bearings and often fall flat. sometimes i return to status quo, most times i worsen and get triggered.

in my admittingly unwilling recovery, i thread on the thin line between life and death. i take consolation that i am still around, and mind you i do so, so that others recognise my effort. but i’m hypocritical that way. i’m alive, but i’m dead. my foot steps into the realms of death more often than not, and…

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no. i’m not ok. i’m not ok at all. and i don’t want to talk about it.

 

all i really wanted was a friend who was willing to sit beside me and listen to me. that’s all. i don’t want a friend to analyse what i say and rationalise with me. i don’t want a friend who tries to cheer me up or tries to be optimistic (which i can never be). i don’t want friends who tell me it’s gonna be ok, or that i should try harder, or that i should trust in God, yadah yadah yadah. and i have MANY friends who do all of these.

i just need all of you to shut up. i know you have good intentions. but just shut up.

because i DON’T NEED all these. and i DON’T WANT all these.

and so from here on, i know what to do. i really know what to do.

*ripppppp*

  • it’s not ok to say you’re not ok. people don’t want to know why you’re not ok.
  • when your friends say they understand you, they actually don’t. really.
  • and so, never seek to be understood.
  • don’t open your heart to anyone. it’s irretrievable and regret is inevitable.
  • there is never solely a single panacea.
  • keep your words to yourself if your words don’t lift the other person up.
  • love and care too much at your own peril. you’ll be fucking damned.
  • don’t look for love. love will find you.

since my discharge i’ve been very troubled, very pensive. there’s too much going on, and i don’t know why. in my head is solely self-reproach. there’s no room to be kind or gentle, however much i try. i close my eyes and i hear disparaging words, berating myself for all that i’ve done wrong. i sit in the present, helpless in changing the past, and looking to the future feeling extremely hopeless. i don’t know what to do. every single moment i’m awake i’m ruminating, and the only reprieve is when i’m asleep, or when i…

it weighs heavily on my heart that my final school year starts in 2 weeks. i hate to return to classes and a 10,000 word dissertation in such a state. there is no room to fall, no room to say “i need some time/space”.

and the worst part is that it is likely nothing can be done to alleviate all of these.

can i just walk away from life and disappear into nothingness?