no. i’m not ok. i’m not ok at all. and i don’t want to talk about it.
all i really wanted was a friend who was willing to sit beside me and listen to me. that’s all. i don’t want a friend to analyse what i say and rationalise with me. i don’t want a friend who tries to cheer me up or tries to be optimistic (which i can never be). i don’t want friends who tell me it’s gonna be ok, or that i should try harder, or that i should trust in God, yadah yadah yadah. and i have MANY friends who do all of these.
i just need all of you to shut up. i know you have good intentions. but just shut up.
because i DON’T NEED all these. and i DON’T WANT all these.
and so from here on, i know what to do. i really know what to do.
why is it so hard to live?
why does it hurt so much just to exist?
and in my utter brokenness,
i found Him dwelling faithfully in my cracks.
He is making me whole again.
i butchered myself again.
and with a 2nd incident in a month, i know i am losing myself to the black dog again.
- it’s not ok to say you’re not ok. people don’t want to know why you’re not ok.
- when your friends say they understand you, they actually don’t. really.
- and so, never seek to be understood.
- don’t open your heart to anyone. it’s irretrievable and regret is inevitable.
- there is never solely a single panacea.
- keep your words to yourself if your words don’t lift the other person up.
- love and care too much at your own peril. you’ll be fucking damned.
- don’t look for love. love will find you.
since my discharge i’ve been very troubled, very pensive. there’s too much going on, and i don’t know why. in my head is solely self-reproach. there’s no room to be kind or gentle, however much i try. i close my eyes and i hear disparaging words, berating myself for all that i’ve done wrong. i sit in the present, helpless in changing the past, and looking to the future feeling extremely hopeless. i don’t know what to do. every single moment i’m awake i’m ruminating, and the only reprieve is when i’m asleep, or when i…
it weighs heavily on my heart that my final school year starts in 2 weeks. i hate to return to classes and a 10,000 word dissertation in such a state. there is no room to fall, no room to say “i need some time/space”.
and the worst part is that it is likely nothing can be done to alleviate all of these.
can i just walk away from life and disappear into nothingness?
so utterly broken and damaged, i could never be loved.