Tag Archive | God

this is the way, walk in it

in 72 hours, i presented myself twice (and no less) to the Emergency Department, afraid of bscklash, wallowing in shame and guilt. how did things become this way?

in June, and even now in July, i struggle. i can tell you that having faith itself and claiming to have head knowledge are a world of a difference. i know that in my utter brokenness, my faith is lacking. i don’t claim as much as i can, my identity as the beloved child and daughter of God. i always remember from retreats and from conversations with friends, about how Peter walked on water. i have to learn from him, in that he trained his eyes on Jesus- he had faith and he believed! because when his eyes wandered he sank!

i have to constantly keep my gaze on God, my saviour! i may not always know why i am triggered or upset, but i guess i just have to put my faith and trust in Him? and yes, i have to learn to open the door of my heart to Him!!!

“He destined us in love to be his sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace which he freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us.”

-Ephesians 1:5-8

p.s. Haemoglobin has dropped to 8.5g/dL, but they said it wasn’t low enough for a blood transfusion. Hand surgeons said Palmaris Longus and Flexor Carpi Radialis Sheath both sustained cuts (ie damage) but they weren’t gonna repair it. On a backslab now.

Advertisements

better days to come

the month of June is coming to an end, and i think i can’t wait for a much better July.

3 lacerations (and consequently 2 surgeries by hand surgeons and another minor surgery by the emergency doctor), had wound dehiscence and wound infections (MRSA and Pseudomonas), was held overnight for observation twice in the psychiatric hospital, had currents three times, had lithium upped, and then all these while having school and a paper to submit. sigh.

just saw my psychiatrist today. stopped further currents. adjusted my medications (lithium level [1g] is at 0.9). continuing therapy. and then praying for the best.

i don’t think i can relive another June again.


 “My grace is sufficient for you for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ , then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2 Corinthians 12-9,10

 

 

turning inward

you look outside of yourself, hoping that somewhere out there, someone can complete you or satisfy you. you look towards others for love, for acceptance, for understanding. and perhaps you did find someone, or some people, who do love you, accept you and understand you. and for awhile you feel like you’re home, glad that you can finally let your guard down. but time passes, and it hits you like a truck. there are conditions attached. haven’t you heard that there are always “buts”? you learn that there are things you do, things that are actually just parts of who you are, that make them love you less, accept you less, and misunderstand you. how do you make that right then, you ask yourself? how do you make them love you whole again? you will always have to be more. better and more. it will never suffice. and you will chase after that till the day you die, if love and acceptance and understanding is what you want to carry you through.

the human condition is terrible, truth be told. we are made like that. but it is also the human condition that makes us soft, and vulnerable. that gives us the capacity to love. give and take, no? expectations and its disappointments will kill you if you let it.

above all, trust in no one but in God alone.


the last 2 months have been spent in much anguish. i made a difficult decision of taking a step back from the desire of human connection. at that time it was very painful for me as i felt that many conversations i had were not genuine, whether it’s because i wasn’t intentional, or vice versa. for someone who thrives on human connection, i basically deprived myself of my social sustenance. the last 2 months (which also fell during the period of Lent) was also a period of spiritual desolation for me, and i really wondered why i was deliberately putting myself through so much pain.

changes in medication, lots of therapy, 30+ stitches, plenty of tears, and many prayers later, and on Good Shepherd Sunday, i know now.

turn not to people for your sustenance, but to God. He is unfailing!!! 🙂

“The Lord is my shepherd;
there is nothing i shall want.” 

Psalm 23:1

dei gratia


by the grace of God (latin)

God doesn’t necessarily gives us what we want. He gives us what we need.

in the same vein, thinking for years that i needed answers to heal? i couldn’t be more wrong. i always wondered why i couldn’t find the healing that eluded me. i believed that if i had answers, i could heal. but to be completely honest, i already have the answers. but answers don’t magically make everything go away.

going to the retreat in early January, not knowing much of what i wanted out of the retreat except that i wanted healing (by default that is always what i want out of a retreat), i left feeling rather unchanged. i didn’t “feel” like i was healed. but then again, what does it feel like to be healed? i felt underwhelmed. but as days go by, it became more evident that God’s grace was working in me. i was more joyful, less melancholic. i was able to cooperate with His grace. i am even more than 2 months cut-free! ah, such grace! also, God’s grace working inside of me though intangible, was even witnessed by my community!

this grace He gives was what i needed. it was a long time coming, but we live in God’s time!

10 years

seeing my anaesthetist today brought back  many memories. the waiting, the feeble attempts to get my point across to the doctors, the plucking up of courage to ask for something, the decision to say yes to another medication, the sigh that comes with resignation…

it’s been 10 years since i begrudgingly said yes to my first diagnosis of RA and the treatment that ensues. the fuss over waiting times, doing blood tests and unpredictable results, imagings, complications, ever-changing prescriptions, side effects, new symptoms, rehabilitation, and the costs of everything. most of all, it is the constant struggle to carry on. but God gives me the grace to trudge on, to embrace the pain as it continues to keep me rooted to the truth in the cross. and most of all i am reminded to be gentle with myself. nothing comes out of being hard on myself, except bitterness and frustration. in the midst of these all, i am called to say yes always; to bear this cross with love and gentleness!


i was restarted on topiramate again to help with the constant tension headaches. bummed that my pill burden cannot be lessened despite my efforts in the last few years. i asked for trigger point injections in my back because it’s been killing me for many weeks now. so he gave me 2 bupivacaine shots. i was asked to try accupuncture and of course physiotherapy. couldn’t escape the question about exercise.


i can’t seem to escape the pill burden that’s haunting me for the past decade. i’ve tried deprescribing over the last few years, and while i’ve succeeded sometimes (especially with DMARDs), it somehow gets undone insidiously:

  1. Paracetamol+orphenadrine
  2. Etoricoxib
  3. Tramadol
  4. Metoclopramide
  5. Ergotamine+caffeine
  6. Topiramate
  7. Escitalopram
  8. Lithium
  9. Clonazepam
  10. Quetiapine

it still stands at 10 now, the number of prescribed drugs. and it drives me mad. but it’s ok; i’ve had worse. once again i am called to say yes to this struggle that comes with the cross i’ve said yes to carrying.


all these years struggling with pain has hardened my heart and made me bitter. i guess it’s time to reexamine how i will be coping with something that is inevitably a permanence in my life!

fibro flare

i’ve been struggling for weeks now, with back pain, headaches and fatigue that fibromyalgia brings. i managed the pain with paracetamol+orphenadrine, etoricoxib and ergotamine. my pain management wasn’t optimised because i loathed to take tramadol. the nausea it brings causes me plenty of grief.

the back pain (entire back) didn’t improve with rest. in fact, it felt like being horizontal made it worse. what sort of back pain doesn’t improve with rest??? i wrestled with the pain, resting nevertheless, and taking the analgesia. the pain worsened the insomnia, which in turn also affected the pain. what’s worse was that my mood has been poor. i am unable to identify if the poor mood triggered the pain, or vice versa. living with these chronic illnesses, i usually find myself entangled in its midst, never really knowing which was the real trigger.

last night however, i plucked up the courage to take tramadol 100mg with metoclopramide. the pain improved a tad, and was able to sleep better. then i realised i’ve been so silly omitting tramadol and causing unoptimised pain relief, just because i was afraid of nausea. i took tramadol again this morning. the pain continues, but it’s much better. knowing that i can still take another 300mg of tramadol for the rest of the day, gives me some relief. fibro can be a real pain in the ass, but oh well.

the low mood and insomnia will go on, but lessening the pain itself makes the struggle easier. i’ll let my psychiatrist take care of it!

God works in His ways, as long as we surrender to Him!!!

going into the New Year…

i apologise for the lack of updates. it’s been rather mad since the last time i posted.

i’ve fought continuously against the deep anguish and pain within me since Christmas, making a decision to repair my arm which i’ve cut up, then keeping myself safe for awhile. i managed to leave the hospital to spend New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day with my family and friends. but till today i still wonder if i should have left the hospital. i was still drowning, and nothing was making it go away.

i attended a 5-day retreat in the first week of January. this retreat has been purported by most to be extremely life-changing. and although i went into it rather apathetically, i held high expectations. instead the first 3 days were a complete nightmare. i had strong urges to hurt myself. i had strong urges to fly. i was most atrociously physically violated (sexually too if you asked me) during praise and worship. of all 15 confessors, i was assigned to the priest who hurt me deeply (which led to a 3rd degree burn that had to be grafted; but i’ve forgiven him already) 1.5 years ago. i wanted to pack my bags and walk out of the retreat every single moment of the first 3 days. but i thank God for His love and grace, for sustaining me through each and every moment. i was also blessed that a brother from my community journeyed with me. the next 2 days were better, although i remained in the shadows of the “trauma” from the first 3 days. i encountered God and the Holy Spirit during the praying over and outpouring.

to be honest, i felt like God has washed me clean of my sins. it felt like He reached for my hardened heart, softened it, and emptied out my heart of all the pain it carried. it felt like i was going to be starting on a clean slate. tabula rasa. Mother Mary also appeared to me (incidentally i was standing in front of the Mother’s statue during the praying over) after i had fallen. She had reminded me of her fiat– the fiat that kept appearing to me since last year. her Magnificat also resounded in my head. to me, there was no doubt that all these experiences lead me to the very heart of Jesus and Mary. ending the retreat, i came out of it more confident in God’s mercy, and more convicted to the obedience that Mother Mary displayed. it was not a surprised that during the last talk by our Archbishop led me to this bible verse:

I will not leave you desolate; I will come to you. -John 14:18

coming across this verse, i was even more assured that i could trust in God in my worst times- times which would have me extremely despaired and anguished. this, together with my encounter, would become my anchor for which i would hold on to. going back to the real world would mean that i would be continuously challenged and tested. and i felt extremely blessed that even though the retreat wasn’t as life-changing as it was purported to be, i came out of it with this anchor. this knowledge and this trust that i have in God.


so for the past 1.5 weeks (post-retreat till today), i struggled very much physically. i’ve been extremely fatigue, and despite so, insomniac. out of the 11 days, i’ve left the house only about 4 times? my head constantly hurts. my entire back hurts. i’ve had repeated bouts of nausea and/or vomiting. i’ve spent hours and hours horizontal on my sofa. i’ve indulged in so much caffeine but it doesn’t work. it frustrates me because i don’t know where this fatigue is coming from. RA, fibromyalgia, and depression all cause fatigue/lethargy. i feel like if i knew which was the source, i could better manage it. but who am i kidding?

and so i will continue and take each day as it comes. i’m not in the best of moods, i’ve been rather cranky, i’m perpetually tired, but eventually one of these will give. i will leave you with a part of a prayer a community friend said for me on the 3rd night of the retreat (it’s slightly reworded because my failing memory can’t remember the exact words):

“every moment is a new creation in Your hands…”

it’s short, yet it holds an extremely beautiful meaning, and encompasses so much hope!