Tag Archive | relapse

*ripppppp*

  • it’s not ok to say you’re not ok. people don’t want to know why you’re not ok.
  • when your friends say they understand you, they actually don’t. really.
  • and so, never seek to be understood.
  • don’t open your heart to anyone. it’s irretrievable and regret is inevitable.
  • there is never solely a single panacea.
  • keep your words to yourself if your words don’t lift the other person up.
  • love and care too much at your own peril. you’ll be fucking damned.
  • don’t look for love. love will find you.

since my discharge i’ve been very troubled, very pensive. there’s too much going on, and i don’t know why. in my head is solely self-reproach. there’s no room to be kind or gentle, however much i try. i close my eyes and i hear disparaging words, berating myself for all that i’ve done wrong. i sit in the present, helpless in changing the past, and looking to the future feeling extremely hopeless. i don’t know what to do. every single moment i’m awake i’m ruminating, and the only reprieve is when i’m asleep, or when i…

it weighs heavily on my heart that my final school year starts in 2 weeks. i hate to return to classes and a 10,000 word dissertation in such a state. there is no room to fall, no room to say “i need some time/space”.

and the worst part is that it is likely nothing can be done to alleviate all of these.

can i just walk away from life and disappear into nothingness?

 

 

after the fall

so as i chased after darkness, i fell. serves me right. it was painful, not for the act itself, but the repercussions. when did it ever not hurt? questions rained down on me throughout the 5 days i was in the system. it sowed doubts in my heart and rendered me discombobulated. and it did not help that i could not find the light anymore. i walked out of there as soon as i could. i wanted to find the light, and i couldn’t find it while locked up in there. i know it is out there somewhere. but out in the splendid darkness, if light is not to be found, that is most dangerous for me.


i guess recovery constantly tests a person’s spirit. it’ll always ask “do you want this badly enough?”, as if to keep you on your toes. and if you let slip that you don’t, that’s when you crack and fall. and as long as you choose the light over darkness, recovery will demand that you damn well put in whatever effort it takes to get through each day. choose it, or lose it. mmm. that’s harsh.

 

 

relapsed

tumblr_mqcomeQvag1r46fnpo1_500
– Viktor E. Frankl

i’ve been struggling for about a month or so, fighting with my demons, with what seemed like an impending relapse. try as i might, i’m not the strong that i should be yet. i’ve been going on a downhill while desperately retaining some functionality that is demanded of me, with what is thought to be my worst yet by my treatment team. you know it must be true when several people who haven’t seen you in awhile look at you, and comment that you look terrible and mustn’t be doing well.

i told Dr S i regret even going to the Eating Disorders Unit to have my problem treated, because it became the catalyst for this relapse. that it fuelled all the existing problems, threatening to make them even bigger problems. but i think he told me not to regret it. that i tried and tried hard enough. that it is with such slip-ups that one learns life lessons.

i am expected to show up inpatient next Monday, just so that they can stabilise me by running currents through my head (all over again) before i disappear from the face of the earth (oh i’m so capable of that). i just did one, but it was sorely inadequate as deemed by Dr S and myself.

aargh i hate this, and i hate myself.

fallen

image

Poppy, my poodle, and the love of my life.

falling is painful- caught offguard, good hard shove, the descent to the ground, the concrete impact, scraped knees and hands, and oh the tears and the sniffles. the thing about falling is that you remain on the ground, right beneath everyone else’s noses. and until the time you decidedly pick yourself up, life won’t be a bed of roses. in fact, it is the toughest when you find it hard to get up. by that time, you’d probably have grown sick and tired of falling and picking yourself up. the people around you too, would have gotten terribly sick of you being on the ground. no one is there when you need them most. and everyone is there to judge you, when you don’t need them to do so the most.

oh the irony. life. *tsk*

learning to dance in the rain

things are not and have not been looking too good for me, it seems.

i’m stuck in a rut- the rut of which i keep falling into- and the entire situation looks bleak. my memory is at stake, my job is on the line, i am losing stamina, my doctors are at their wits’ end, i keep going through the currents, i’m a pathetic excuse for polypharmacy, my RA is not controlled, they keep playing the ‘waiting’ game, i end up feeling trapped, i’m on the verge of giving up, my flares don’t get relieved, the pain feeds right into my depressive cycles, i keep getting fed, i end up gaining weight, i lose total control, therapy cannot start till the ECTs are over, i go to sleep each night wishing i’d never have to wake up, i try to sleep away everything bad and negative, i try to hold on to the things that make me happy, i pray that anyone who talks to me can be at least empathetic, i know everyone who knows of me being inpatient again looks at me like i’m a loser or a weakling, i don’t ever stop hoping that i can return to work in the ward, i look at the mirror and i want to punch my fist into it, i look at my scars and i get oh-so-triggered, i am upset that my Hb is 10.7, i see no joy in being cut-free for 3 months, i crave so much to hurt and be in pain, i want to see the blood flow, i want to see my flesh split, i wish i have as much courage as it needs for me to take myself away, i want to smile like i mean it, i want to be loved like how i should be. and most of all, i just want to be me. uninhibited.

the past month has been anything but easy, and i very nearly lost my life. in my previous posts, i talk about life like it was the rain or a thunderstorm. like life’s been a rather rough patch these days, and all that i needed to do is to wait it out. but today, as i made my way to see my rheumy for my routine appointment, it dawned upon me that perhaps it isn’t the weather that needs working on. it is me.

i saw my rheumy with my shoulders and left knee flaring, and i left the room exactly the way i went in. yet i came out different than when i first entered. it didn’t seem possible, since she did not change anything on my medication regimen. she did not give me a steroid shot into my knee either. but i left the consultation room and felt like someone actually cared for me. yes i was still very much in pain, but my rheumy actually cared for me and wanted nothing but the best for me- flares or none, transaminitis or not. and that was enough, at least it was for me. it is that simple.

back to where i was, inpatient, i realised that there was so much i could do for myself despite the debilitating hopelessness and helplessness. instead of waiting out the rain, i could take this chance to learn to dance in the rain. it isn’t everyday that i have such an opportunity. so instead of being inconsolable and letting all those tears fall, i could/should seek joy, however minute, in an otherwise negative situation. wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to find joy in what most people perceive as sad/dark?

yes i am depressed. i am sad, perhaps even too sad. i am disappointed. i am angry. i am resigned. i am in physical pain. i am in pain psychologically. i am frustrated. i want to be loved. i want to be understood. but i am inherently human, and humans are needy creatures. so i have gathered that rain or shine, it is really just a state of mind. there won’t be any rainbow had there no rain, right?

it’s painful i tell you, learning to dance in the rain. but God told me that it’ll be worth it, and i believe in Him.

the rainbow will come, i’m sure.

and God aside, there are so many people who i am thankful and grateful for, and they are reasons to celebrate as well.

 

when it hurts inside and out

it was a novel way to start 2013, i tell you.

i welcomed the new year with an admission initiated by my rheumy on new year’s eve. we had discovered that my haemoglobin(Hb) level had dropped significantly, so with that she wanted me to be admitted for 2 pints of packed cell transfusion. we had also discovered my iron stores were completely depleted, and so i had to receive an iron sucrose infusion. at the same time, very unfortunately, we found that i had transaminitis AGAIN. my liver enzymes were raised, although not drastically. so my DMARDs (methotrexate[MTX] and sulfasalazine[SSZ]) has to be stopped. this is happening when i am actually smelling a remission coming after the dose increase of both DMARDs in October. sigh. such disappointment time and yet again.

after i got discharged on the 2nd day of 2013, i had an appointment to see my psychiatrist. my psychiatrist, plus 2 other psychiatrists who have been on my team, decided unanimously that i should be admitted. and why is that so? because they felt that i was already tipped over the edge, and was in no condition to go back to work. it was largely also because of work and my direct supervisor- stigmatisation, expectations that could never be met, being bullied at the bottom of the  hierarchy and more. understandably, i could still work fine, but i’d be doing so in a very poor psychological state,, and would still be admitted sooner or later. so there i went into the hospital again, and i’ve been here since. it has been a real roller coaster ride though, despite this admission’s indication to be for rest. i had deteriorated very quickly in just a matter of days, but i got back on my feet again, somehow.

while this is a brand new year with a ‘good’ start for me in terms of receiving news that i am a confirmed and full-fledged staff nurse, i am resigned . resigned to the fact that i will continue to be in physical and mental pain. resigned to the fact that i am still in the process of trying to recover and that i am never really getting there yet.. resigned to the fact that this coming year will not be any more easier than the past years. resigned to the fact that i may lose my life if we are not careful enough. resigned to the fact that it will be an eternal struggle for me to stay free from self-harm.  resigned to the fact that i may have to give up my life’s only purpose- nursing- just to retain my sanity. resigned to the fact that my weight will continue to yo-yo. resigned to the fact that life’s just like that, that the world is fallen, with humans being so cruel.

my team always tells me to never give up, and frequently encourages me to keep trudging on. they celebrate with me when i do good. they sigh with me when i fall. all these, despite the fact that i have never been in remission (in both RA and my mental illnesses). i always wonder if they would ever know what it feels like to have had RA for their whole lives with excruciating pain in their joints and having to work at the same time, to be depressed, bulimic and suicidal, while bleeding and cutting most times, all at the same time.  i wonder if they know what it feels like to feel constant rejection, disapproval, hopeless, helpless, trapped, hurt and be in excruciating pain. and i wonder if they know what it feels like to be at at the end of the road, like there is no more light at the end of the tunnel, fallen so far till rock bottom, battered up so badly, and be on their knees begging for God to take their pain away, or to even take them away because it is simply unbearable.

and i wonder if they know stigmatisation, and if they themselves have been guilty of it.

 

it indeed is a novel way of celebrating the new year. so much pain, love, laughter, tears, questions, prayers, struggles and all. everything that i’ve said, is something to think hard about.

started a project to aid in my recovery. more of it coming soon!

these wounds must heal

How do i begin?

I know i have to heal. Or more appropriately, i know i need to let myself heal. And i want to. I want to be healed. It’s been far too long. It’s been far too painful. So why not? Why the many feeble attempts which turned out all too futile? Why couldn’t i put my heart and mind into it, and fight for it?

I am somehow, damaged, to say the least. With each time that life itself, a somebody, or a situation, hits me, i get wounded. And as if it wasn’t even painful or bad enough, i turn against myself. It’s a double whammy everytime, and there’s no surprise if it became a triple whammy. It didn’t matter to me if someone else or no one else was to blame. I took it upon myself- “it was because i was not good enough” ; “it was because i was not strong enough” ; “it was because i was too weak” ; or even plain and simple “it was because of me”.

My treatment team tries to heal me by teaching me how to heal myself, and they do it unrelentingly. It is not that they do not want to heal me by themselves. They are teaching me, and i guess they are wanting to instill in me a sense of responsibility, as well as empowering me to do it for myself.

So i try, and i try my darndest. I try to patch my wounds up and soothe them, i try to bring the wounded edges together to close them up, so that they don’t hurt anymore, so that they can properly heal, and so i may be whole again. But soon enough, i go downhill, and then i inevitably undo all of that. I repeatedly pick at them so they bleed and gape and hurt again. Once i am rockbottom, i am content with all of that, especially when they are left to fester and rot. It’s not a surprise that i usually think that i deserve all of that pain.

It takes a huge catalyst to ignite that little ember of spark in me thereafter. I need to be convinced that i deserve better, and that i do not deserve to be in pain. That there is so much to live for. That my future is waiting for me, and that life does get better. But it gets very tiring and frustrating, so much so that i sometimes throw my hands up in the air, wanting to give up.

Who am i to give up if none of my treatment team has given up? Who am i to say that i’ve had enough when God has been by my side the whole time?

I have my triggers, i have my refractory depression, i have my chronic suicidality, i have my RA and its chronic pain, i have my disordered eating and ways, and i have all these wounds to go along with them. They are all intertwined, and it is complicated. But there is a way. There must be a way around them.

I’m going back out into the wild again today, and i know my wounds will turn into fresh ones again if i am not careful. In a peculiar way, i am indeed very ‘vulnerable’ and ‘fragile‘ in the immediate post-discharge period.

I want to let myself heal, and i will do everything in my capacity to heal my wounds. I sure do not have the confidence to do so, but i should not condemn myself even before i start. Well like i said before, tenacity is requisite.

So..

GO STEPH!!!