things are not and have not been looking too good for me, it seems.
i’m stuck in a rut- the rut of which i keep falling into- and the entire situation looks bleak. my memory is at stake, my job is on the line, i am losing stamina, my doctors are at their wits’ end, i keep going through the currents, i’m a pathetic excuse for polypharmacy, my RA is not controlled, they keep playing the ‘waiting’ game, i end up feeling trapped, i’m on the verge of giving up, my flares don’t get relieved, the pain feeds right into my depressive cycles, i keep getting fed, i end up gaining weight, i lose total control, therapy cannot start till the ECTs are over, i go to sleep each night wishing i’d never have to wake up, i try to sleep away everything bad and negative, i try to hold on to the things that make me happy, i pray that anyone who talks to me can be at least empathetic, i know everyone who knows of me being inpatient again looks at me like i’m a loser or a weakling, i don’t ever stop hoping that i can return to work in the ward, i look at the mirror and i want to punch my fist into it, i look at my scars and i get oh-so-triggered, i am upset that my Hb is 10.7, i see no joy in being cut-free for 3 months, i crave so much to hurt and be in pain, i want to see the blood flow, i want to see my flesh split, i wish i have as much courage as it needs for me to take myself away, i want to smile like i mean it, i want to be loved like how i should be. and most of all, i just want to be me. uninhibited.
the past month has been anything but easy, and i very nearly lost my life. in my previous posts, i talk about life like it was the rain or a thunderstorm. like life’s been a rather rough patch these days, and all that i needed to do is to wait it out. but today, as i made my way to see my rheumy for my routine appointment, it dawned upon me that perhaps it isn’t the weather that needs working on. it is me.
i saw my rheumy with my shoulders and left knee flaring, and i left the room exactly the way i went in. yet i came out different than when i first entered. it didn’t seem possible, since she did not change anything on my medication regimen. she did not give me a steroid shot into my knee either. but i left the consultation room and felt like someone actually cared for me. yes i was still very much in pain, but my rheumy actually cared for me and wanted nothing but the best for me- flares or none, transaminitis or not. and that was enough, at least it was for me. it is that simple.
back to where i was, inpatient, i realised that there was so much i could do for myself despite the debilitating hopelessness and helplessness. instead of waiting out the rain, i could take this chance to learn to dance in the rain. it isn’t everyday that i have such an opportunity. so instead of being inconsolable and letting all those tears fall, i could/should seek joy, however minute, in an otherwise negative situation. wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to find joy in what most people perceive as sad/dark?
yes i am depressed. i am sad, perhaps even too sad. i am disappointed. i am angry. i am resigned. i am in physical pain. i am in pain psychologically. i am frustrated. i want to be loved. i want to be understood. but i am inherently human, and humans are needy creatures. so i have gathered that rain or shine, it is really just a state of mind. there won’t be any rainbow had there no rain, right?
it’s painful i tell you, learning to dance in the rain. but God told me that it’ll be worth it, and i believe in Him.
the rainbow will come, i’m sure.
and God aside, there are so many people who i am thankful and grateful for, and they are reasons to celebrate as well.