i knew that today will prove to be a difficult day. after so much dallying, i finally had the answers that my employer and the licensing board have wanted for so long. it has been a living nightmare since September, being dangled mid-air and not knowing what was to be of my career as a nurse. i was at the mercy of psychiatrists, who are plain humans themselves. i thought to myself frequently, “who are they to judge me?”. you know, i was still sick all these time, with so much distress, acute regressions, arguments and tears. i had nothing to hold on to. and then last Friday… what i am and ought to be has been reduced to mere words. words that do not even pass the 100 word count. and i was relying on these words to take back what is rightfully mine.
i submitted the letters as required and deemed necessary today. when talks of my license surfaced, i was a raging ball of fire inside. i could not accept what they wanted. it took me such a long time to accept the fate of my career. this? it’s just paper, why should i care? but i do, because i know i am prideful. i know it too well. and so when i walked out of the building, i choked on my tears, not knowing whether they’re tears for the mourning of the loss of something i once had, or because my pride has been and will be wounded.
nearby was the Church of St. Alphonsus, fondly know as the Novena Church. i had a lot of time to spare before the weekday Mass, but i went anyway. in my journey to the church, a Christian song resounded in my head again and again. and even though it was just those few words that ran in my head repeatedly, i wanted to so much to be able to sing aloud the whole song. i was even hoping they would sing it at Mass ( they don’t sing hymns on weekday Masses apparently).
the song is “Seek Ye First”. the lyrics are derived from bible passages, mainly from the book of Matthew.
as i knelt and prayed, the song couldn’t stop playing in my head. when i was waiting for Mass to start, i made an impromptu decision to go for confession. i told Father of my sins, when he asked me in particular why i had hurt myself. i told him plainly that i had fallen into depression. his comforting words were that having depression isn’t a sin, and hurting myself was just my way of coping. and then lo and behold, he said to me ” Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness”. when he said that, it clicked in my head and everything fell into place. as penance he wanted me to read Matthew 6: 19-34.
being at home now and having had some time to read the bible passages, i realised God was talking to me. not in words, but in hymns. and how peculiar it is that it came when i left the nursing board having had talks about my nursing license? i was seething with rage, but was calmed by Him. because after all back in 2008, i woke up to God’s calling for me to be a nurse. i am in God’s hands, and i will do what He will.
maybe. just maybe. things will get better.
Thank you, Papa God. I love you.