Tag Archive | religion

better days to come

the month of June is coming to an end, and i think i can’t wait for a much better July.

3 lacerations (and consequently 2 surgeries by hand surgeons and another minor surgery by the emergency doctor), had wound dehiscence and wound infections (MRSA and Pseudomonas), was held overnight for observation twice in the psychiatric hospital, had currents three times, had lithium upped, and then all these while having school and a paper to submit. sigh.

just saw my psychiatrist today. stopped further currents. adjusted my medications (lithium level [1g] is at 0.9). continuing therapy. and then praying for the best.

i don’t think i can relive another June again.


 “My grace is sufficient for you for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ , then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2 Corinthians 12-9,10

 

 

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dei gratia


by the grace of God (latin)

God doesn’t necessarily gives us what we want. He gives us what we need.

in the same vein, thinking for years that i needed answers to heal? i couldn’t be more wrong. i always wondered why i couldn’t find the healing that eluded me. i believed that if i had answers, i could heal. but to be completely honest, i already have the answers. but answers don’t magically make everything go away.

going to the retreat in early January, not knowing much of what i wanted out of the retreat except that i wanted healing (by default that is always what i want out of a retreat), i left feeling rather unchanged. i didn’t “feel” like i was healed. but then again, what does it feel like to be healed? i felt underwhelmed. but as days go by, it became more evident that God’s grace was working in me. i was more joyful, less melancholic. i was able to cooperate with His grace. i am even more than 2 months cut-free! ah, such grace! also, God’s grace working inside of me though intangible, was even witnessed by my community!

this grace He gives was what i needed. it was a long time coming, but we live in God’s time!

stronghold

Image result for the lord is my stronghold

each morning, i wake up to a mood that usually dictates how the rest of my day goes. it usually isn’t a good one. and while i sigh, resigned to the day my mood has already condemned, i forget there is a greater Being in my life in the midst of it all.

He is my stronghold.

i sobbed in therapy last Wednesday, and asked rhetorically if i would ever see the light again. i was reminded gently by my Catholic psychotherapist, that recovery is about growth. that it’s a journey, not a destination. in my own true fashion, i retorted that it’s been so long. would i ever live to see the light?

the disordered mind rages and talks, asserting itself, while the heart aches. i feel too deeply what my mind thinks, and i can’t seem to help it. the mind never ceases to demand that i should despair. that i should go, when it finally gets too much. but the heart keeps fighting. fighting to cling onto Him, fighting to stay, fighting to tell the mind that i just need to hold on and trust. that i will surely see the light, if only i gave it more time.

back then in a matter of years, my doctor told my parents to be “mentally prepared”. i was dying then. and i was dying of sadness, of utter despair. i don’t think i know though, if i ever got better from that state of being. the mind still asserts that it is easier to go, while the heart fights and clings on tightly to the One.

i may despair or rejoice from day to day, or feel nothing at all. the pain from the despair might feel so visceral, and the tears may fall. everyday is a struggle to hold on, and i still don’t have the confidence to say that i will live to see the light.

but the Lord is my stronghold. what do i have to fear?

i will continue to trudge on, and i will continue to give thanks to Him for all that He has given to me. my heart will keep fighting to live, even if my mind says no.

 

when He talks

i knew that today will prove to be a difficult day. after so much dallying, i finally had the answers that my employer and the licensing board have wanted for so long. it has been a living nightmare since September, being dangled mid-air and not knowing what was to be of my career as a nurse. i was at the mercy of psychiatrists, who are plain humans themselves. i thought to myself frequently, “who are they to judge me?”. you know, i was still sick all these time, with so much distress, acute regressions, arguments and tears. i had nothing to hold on to. and then last Friday… what i am and ought to be has been reduced to mere words. words that do not even pass the 100 word count. and i was relying on these words to take back what is rightfully mine.

i submitted the letters as required and deemed necessary today. when talks of my license surfaced, i was a raging ball of fire inside. i could not accept what they wanted. it took me such a long time to accept the fate of my career. this? it’s just paper, why should i care? but i do, because i know i am prideful. i know it too well. and so when i walked out of the building, i choked on my tears, not knowing whether they’re tears for the mourning of the loss of something i once had, or because my pride has been and will be wounded.

nearby was the Church of St. Alphonsus, fondly know as the Novena Church. i had a lot of time to spare before the weekday Mass, but i went anyway. in my journey to the church, a Christian song resounded in my head again and again. and even though it was just those few words that ran in my head repeatedly, i wanted to so much to be able to sing aloud the whole song. i was even hoping they would sing it at Mass ( they don’t sing hymns on weekday Masses apparently).

the song is  “Seek Ye First”. the lyrics are derived from bible passages, mainly from the book of Matthew.

as i knelt and prayed, the song couldn’t stop playing in my head. when i was waiting for Mass to start, i made an impromptu decision to go for confession. i told Father of my sins, when he asked me in particular why i had hurt myself. i told him plainly that i had fallen into depression. his comforting words were that having depression isn’t a sin, and hurting myself was just my way of coping. and then lo and behold, he said to me ” Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness”. when he said that, it clicked in my head and everything fell into place. as penance he wanted me to read Matthew 6: 19-34.

being at home now and having had some time to read the bible passages, i realised God was talking to me. not in words, but in hymns. and how peculiar it is that it came when i left the nursing board having had  talks about my nursing license? i was seething with rage, but was calmed by Him. because after all back in 2008, i woke up to God’s calling for me to be a nurse. i am in God’s hands, and i will do what He will.

maybe. just maybe. things will get better.

Thank you, Papa God. I love you.