Tag Archive | wounds

better days to come

the month of June is coming to an end, and i think i can’t wait for a much better July.

3 lacerations (and consequently 2 surgeries by hand surgeons and another minor surgery by the emergency doctor), had wound dehiscence and wound infections (MRSA and Pseudomonas), was held overnight for observation twice in the psychiatric hospital, had currents three times, had lithium upped, and then all these while having school and a paper to submit. sigh.

just saw my psychiatrist today. stopped further currents. adjusted my medications (lithium level [1g] is at 0.9). continuing therapy. and then praying for the best.

i don’t think i can relive another June again.


 “My grace is sufficient for you for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ , then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2 Corinthians 12-9,10

 

 

healing from within

tumblr_mu3fw5uDQw1qb71oao1_500
printing paper and a trusty black marker- what we all need

where there is a wound, you’d put a bandaid over it to help it heal by preventing it from getting aggravated again by similar perpetrating causes or by new ones. the bandaid doesn’t really heal the wound, in a way. because the healing comes from within.

it is like that too, when it comes to pain. physical, psychological, emotional pain.

i suppose i have always been told in many different ways, that it has to come from within. from me and not from anyone else, any medication, any procedure, any overt action. i think it is in fact what people around me, especially my treatment team, have been trying to drill it into this thick and hard head of mine. sometimes, instead of just listening and going ‘mmhmm’, i even assume that they are being mean, nasty, whatever. that they are trying to invalidate what seemed very real and painful to me.

there was an ‘aha!’ moment for me, while i was in a therapy session with my psychologist just this week which although seemed very run of the mill, made all the difference. we talked about cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), and she told me that for me, it is a whole different game.  so instead of having my thoughts affect my emotions and behaviour, it is really the converse for me. and then i realised i have been doing it all wrong in the past 3 years. i kept trying to change my thoughts, making visual cues to regularly remind me of the positive thoughts. then i kept doing what i thought was guided by my ‘change’ in thoughts. challenging myself through difficult situations, doing the things i used to do, even eating and shopping. but they never worked. i fell through every single time.

it’s like how i keep putting bandaids over wounds that are festering and rotting, wishing and willing it to go away. but there is an infection, and it just doesn’t work that way.

silly me.

the healing has to come from within, yes. it cannot come from anyone else other than myself. i have to act it to believe it, then only can change begin. only then, can i start to heal.

these wounds must heal

How do i begin?

I know i have to heal. Or more appropriately, i know i need to let myself heal. And i want to. I want to be healed. It’s been far too long. It’s been far too painful. So why not? Why the many feeble attempts which turned out all too futile? Why couldn’t i put my heart and mind into it, and fight for it?

I am somehow, damaged, to say the least. With each time that life itself, a somebody, or a situation, hits me, i get wounded. And as if it wasn’t even painful or bad enough, i turn against myself. It’s a double whammy everytime, and there’s no surprise if it became a triple whammy. It didn’t matter to me if someone else or no one else was to blame. I took it upon myself- “it was because i was not good enough” ; “it was because i was not strong enough” ; “it was because i was too weak” ; or even plain and simple “it was because of me”.

My treatment team tries to heal me by teaching me how to heal myself, and they do it unrelentingly. It is not that they do not want to heal me by themselves. They are teaching me, and i guess they are wanting to instill in me a sense of responsibility, as well as empowering me to do it for myself.

So i try, and i try my darndest. I try to patch my wounds up and soothe them, i try to bring the wounded edges together to close them up, so that they don’t hurt anymore, so that they can properly heal, and so i may be whole again. But soon enough, i go downhill, and then i inevitably undo all of that. I repeatedly pick at them so they bleed and gape and hurt again. Once i am rockbottom, i am content with all of that, especially when they are left to fester and rot. It’s not a surprise that i usually think that i deserve all of that pain.

It takes a huge catalyst to ignite that little ember of spark in me thereafter. I need to be convinced that i deserve better, and that i do not deserve to be in pain. That there is so much to live for. That my future is waiting for me, and that life does get better. But it gets very tiring and frustrating, so much so that i sometimes throw my hands up in the air, wanting to give up.

Who am i to give up if none of my treatment team has given up? Who am i to say that i’ve had enough when God has been by my side the whole time?

I have my triggers, i have my refractory depression, i have my chronic suicidality, i have my RA and its chronic pain, i have my disordered eating and ways, and i have all these wounds to go along with them. They are all intertwined, and it is complicated. But there is a way. There must be a way around them.

I’m going back out into the wild again today, and i know my wounds will turn into fresh ones again if i am not careful. In a peculiar way, i am indeed very ‘vulnerable’ and ‘fragile‘ in the immediate post-discharge period.

I want to let myself heal, and i will do everything in my capacity to heal my wounds. I sure do not have the confidence to do so, but i should not condemn myself even before i start. Well like i said before, tenacity is requisite.

So..

GO STEPH!!!

scars

They say that time heals all wounds.

But the scars which inevitably get left behind still hurt. They are glaring reminders of the pain that you were in, and the pain that you’ll always be in.

It most definitely feels like i am back to rock-bottom once again. How it happened, i don’t know. And it seems like the only way to surface is with the last-resort method all over again.

😦